9am and came and went and Mr. T, with all of his belongings, was on his way to his new home. Yesterday T was up at 5:40am ready to roll. Last night was full of wake-ups, asking to 'nuggle in our bed. I was praying God would allow him to sleep in this morning. Can you imagine being 5 and waking up to see all of your belongings packed in boxes sitting a mudroom waiting to be picked up by a transporter you don't know that well and being brought to a family you were re-introduce to just last week? I can't. I was scared for T and despite several "transition conversations," I knew nothing would be able to prepare us for how to do today gracefully. The last thing I wanted was for him to wake up super early and try to pretend today was normal for several hours before the transporter arrived.
Mr. T slept until 8:23am. There it was again, provision. I was quick to open my Facebook app while watching him sleep and start mindlessly scrolling. Honestly, Facebook has been the perfect distractor through all of these transitions. I felt guilt sitting on Facebook an hour before T left, I wanted to be praying over T but wasn't sure how. That's the beauty of having a relationship with Christ, I didn't need to know how. This morning I offered prayers of bravery and restoration for Mr. T and prayed the exact same thing over my marriage and personal life. I am struggling to comprehend that at 8:58 I was called mom and less than two minutes later, "our" little guy was one his way to a new home. I have learned so, so much about myself through the foster care process that I'm sure I will be able to share better in the future that I can right now. But please, if you see me in person ask me about my experience, help me process, ask to see pictures. You won't believe what a ham Mr. T is. I was humbled this morning and was gently assured Austin and I will be entering into a season of restoration. I wish finding restoration meant sitting back while the pieces fall back into place, but I know it doesn't work that way. We can't restore with so much distraction and busyness. Austin and I have had multiple conversations about taking time to "reset" after T left. Less Facebooking, more talking. Less Netflixing, more Bananagramming. Less worrying, more stepping out in faith. We feel confident God will provide restoration if we are obedient. Tonight we are starting this intentional, pre-baby season of restoration by taking our pup and going on a fall walk. "But if not...he is still good." REPEAT. But if T wasn't forever, he is still good. REPEAT But if our house doesn't sell, he is still good. REPEAT Believe. Experience restoration.
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The past 10 days have been terribly painful. Loss after loss after loss. Austin and I are preparing for another loss at 9am on Wednesday morning. A transporter will come and pick up our 5-year-old and all of his belongings. He will go to his aunt's house, which will likely become his forever family. I am having such a hard time not connecting this loss to all of the other losses we have recently experienced. I can't picture every day life without Mr. T. No "belly bumps," no midnight wake ups begging for a family snuggle, not hearing the word eyeball a minimum of 30 times per day, and so much more. On our first just us adventure we had the "adoption talk" and here we are 4 weeks later confused by court decisions and feeling like we failed. The past 5 months have been completely consumed with adjusting to life with Mr. T and now we are handing him back to a system that is very hard for me to trust.
I've noticed I usually write once a lesson has been learned, I have been provided with answers, or have a clear vision for the future. I can honestly say I don't have a single insight into what God is trying to show me right now. His timing seems awful and I am struggling to respond in a way that reflects God's goodness. I am sharp with my husband, quick to judge the comments others make about Thomas leaving, and overall, feel like the worst version of myself. I am anxious, fearful about my pregnancy and post-delivery reality, and am struggling to adjust to life as "normal." I stood in the bathroom this morning, listening to a song played at Courtney's funeral, and with tears rolling down my face, held my hands open whispering, "God take this from me." I trust He will and anxious to see how. We are praying for comfort and restored joy. Specifically, we are praying God allows us to move closer to home to be with the family and friends who started this journey of loss with us 13 years ago. We posted our house on a Facebook community page and have 4 showings this week. If we aren't able to sell our home, we hope for a new perspective on our community and our purpose here. God has humbled me. When all of our friends are grieving, and you're grieving, you take on every day with hands wide open. I feel like I have been emptied, and am praying for strength to rejoice in the Lord. A friend shared this verse with my yesterday and it has been on my mind since: Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. -Habakkuk 3:17-19 When I was little, I didn’t think I would have to introduce myself to many people when I was older because I was counting on worldwide fame from at least one of Courtney and I’s homemade VHS tapes. Many of you sitting here today have watched us as wacky weather news anchors, fear factor hosts, marker women, Brittney Spears wannabes, and popcorn eating chickens.
Our home videos didn’t make us famous and neither did our incident at Great Lakes Crossings Mall in 6th or 7th grade. During our annual black Friday shopping trip, Courtney and I were honored when an unidentified stranger asked for our opinion by taking a movie survey behind closed “emergency exit only” doors. Once we were behind the doors and were winding down a dark, long hallway, I quickly realized the situation was bad and the only fame we would be receiving was from our faces plastered on an Amber Alert. When the surveyor asked me my phone number, I gave them a fake one, and without missing a beat, Courtney pipes in and says, “Haley that’s not your number,” and proceeded to provide the correct number. That was so Courtney though, always believing in the good intentions of others. I have so many quirky, clumsy, ridiculous childhood memories with Courtney, like highlighting our hair with sharpie marker, earning our polar bear patches at Camp Geneva, and eating apples in bed. But more than memories, I will cherish who Courtney was and the impact she had on others the most. For me, Courtney was the friend that loved me through all of life’s transitions. As a 6th grader, Courtney, with the help of her mom started a friends grief group for me after my brother died. Once a month or so, I could count on having a group of people to eat lunch with and remember my brother. Courtney was always in tune with deep hurt of others and wasn’t afraid to jump in the trenches and sit with me while waiting for happier moments to come. Watching Courtney become a wife and then a mother was such a privilege. Chris, your wife loved you more than words can express. Her joy seemed so different after meeting you, like there was always a Chris-shaped hole in her heart, waiting to be filled by you. She was so obviously in love. You were perfect for her. She was the best mom to your daughter. She loved sweet Analeigh more than life itself. Michelle, I remember watching Courtney prepare for Analeighs arrival when I realized she was no longer your little girl, but your best friend. Greg, you always encouraged Courtney to reach her full potential, and she was so excited to tell you she was returning to school this fall. She knew how proud you would be. I would like to publicly apologize for hindering Courtney from reaching her full potential on the softball field. I accidentally hit Courtney in the face with a softball when we were younger, forever securing her position in right field picking grass, and causing confusion of which base to run to when she got finally a hit. She ran clear to third base. Jarod, Courtney was always quick to stick up for you and just as quick to lovingly pick on you. I do recall her owning a shirt that said tattle and mine saying tale, I’m sure there were multiple times you took the blame for one of our failed experiments Also, there were countless times you were forced to be our guinea pig, including the time we dressed you up in a pink tutu and took pictures of it. Courtney will always be proud of who you are and the brother you have been to Chris. Courtney was a beautiful person inside and out. She radiated joy and genuine passion for life. Courtney was a servant and it was no surprise when she moved to Mexico to serve at Siempre Para Los Ninos. She was creative, selfless, and funny whether she knew it or not. Courtney loved surprises and wasn't very good at keeping them. The day after Chris proposed to Courtney, she arrived at my parents house early in the morning wearing black winter gloves. I remember thinking it was very odd to be wearing gloves at that time of year but chalked it up to "its just Courtney." As soon as we got in the girls only car to head to Detroit she spilled the beans about the engagement and we all went wild. She kept that secret for an entire 12 hours and I couldn’t believe it. Just a few Sunday's ago she gifted me a beautiful quilt for the baby boy I'm expecting. She just couldn't wait to give it to me and that’s exactly what she said. Standing here today, I have no idea why this is happening. It doesn’t feel real, or right and I can’t make sense of it. But I am confident of one thing: Courtney loved the Lord her God. I remember studying Bible verses with her for hours on end to compete in Teen Bible Challenge. Those words were forever ingrained on her heart and she could still quote large portions of scripture even as an adult. Courtney had no fear in boldly worshiping Jesus. It was evident that Christ ruled Courtney's heart and her faith never wavered and she continued to rely on God as she pursued all of life's adventures. Courtney is with her Heavenly Father today. Courtney, you will be fiercely missed. Thank you for living the gospel and pushing me heavenward during your time on earth. I believe the Michael W Smith phase came shortly after the Brittney Spears phase, and I will cling to God's promise of: Friends are friends forever If the Lord's the Lord of them And a friend will not say "Never" Cause the welcome will not end Though it's hard to let you go In the Father's hands we know That a lifetime's not too long To live as friends. I love you Courtney, and am grateful this is my last goodbye to you because our next hello is in eternity with you. ![]() Today Pebbles and I are 20 weeks, halfway there. Honestly, if it weren't for technology (fetal dopplers and ultrasounds) I would still have a hard time believing I was pregnant. Besides tiredness and being incredibly emotional, both of which I believe are a little bit of pregnancy and a lot of "foster care symptoms", I have felt physically really, really good. I am thankful for the stretch marks that started to appear very early in pregnancy (thanks genetics) and that I have recently started to feel Pebble's movements-gentle reminders that there is in fact, a baby growing inside of me. Lately, I've been feeling so distracted and overwhelmed by our family's current situation. Mr. T has been struggling, badly. We have a meeting with our agency next week to talk about what we can do to preserve the placement and what will happen if things don't improve. Ultimately, we know that even if we are able to preserve the placement, we won't be considered first for adoption. It's likely T will be leaving our home someday and it's unbearable to think about. I also didn't realize the type of grief this would cause for my parents and the rest of our family members. They love him as much as we do but they also see how hard we are struggling. They worry about me, and I worry about them worrying about me. I was watching Still Alice yesterday. During a conversation between Alice and her husband, her husband said, "Alice, you want to do everything and you always want to do it right now." If Austin would have been sitting next to me during the movie, I'm sure I would have gotten "that's you Haley look or nudge." I want to do everything, and I want to do it now. I've always had a hard time waiting. For instance, Austin and I got engaged October 19 and got married on December 31st. We started the foster care process quickly, and then when that was put on hold, we started trying for baby. Now that we are pregnant and fostering, I want to continue doing both and I'm thinking about what else is on my dream list. I want to be a professor someday, or go back to school for psychiatry. I've spent time thinking about how to go about these dreams. I think sometimes others can be critical about my "want to do everything and want to do it now personality." I often hear, "Haley, you have the rest of your life ahead of you, slow down...wait...later." I think it's hard for my parents to watch their dreamer. They have been supportive of every single one of my dreams, but there are times I simply can't do it all and they are the ones who get the distraught "I'm a failure/embarrassed/depressed/worried/overwhelmed" phone calls. Here I am today, recognizing sometimes I do need to slow down. I need to be prayerful about what God has to say about moving forward with my desires. They need to align with his plan. We made some tough phone calls Thursday. We asked for help, we were vulnerable. I would never change this experience of receiving our first foster care placement at the same time we found out we are pregnant for the first time. There are lessons I wouldn't have learned and am still learning if it weren't for this exact circumstance. For instance, God is providing us with peace and joy on a daily basis. God is the only source of these constant feelings. Also, our marriage requires way more communication and forgiveness than ever before. I am thankful for a husband who loves and values my personality. I am also thankful for his personality and gentleness when God uses him to tell us to wait. I am grateful for 20 weeks of pregnancy and 20 weeks of foster care. We are so excited to meet Pebbles. Right now, we have everything that we need. There are things I want and dreams I have for my life that I can't possibly have right now and that I will need to be in prayer about. Today, we are praying for a healthy family environment for T, and a healthy baby that we will see on an ultrasound on Thursday. |
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May 2019
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