A few days ago, my younger sister came home with a few Target bags full of fresh new school supplies. I was green with envy watching her write in her new planner (a classic Stegeman girl, back to school staple that never actually gets used passed the first week of school) with her new pens. Luckily, I got to be a part off the preparation as my 20-year-old sister and my 23-year-old self sat at the kitchen table to decorate binders.
For the first time in 18 years, I am not preparing to go back to school. I have absolutely no idea what to make of that. Throughout this past academic year, I had a difficult time even thinking about post-grad life. I had tossed up the idea of applying to med school with the hopes of eventually becoming a psychiatrist. I looked to the people around me and who know me best to affirm this decision and guess what? Through those people, God told me no. I felt desperate to continue with school because it has always been a safety net. In my early elementary years, school became natural, routine, and enjoyable. Quite honestly, my very earthly school "success" had led to an internal pride that distanced me from God. Professors, peers, and posters throughout the school were a constant reminder that I was studying at the #1 social work program in the nation and for a time, that meant something to me. I stopped relying on God, truly believing that I had done this all on my own. I forgot that the only reason I was able to study at Michigan was because God had entrusted me with a mind and privilege. As I revised my resume and prepared for interviews I was surprised by the amount of insecurity and pressure I felt to market myself. I felt pressure to ensure employers I was competent in all areas. There was pressure to be the best version of myself. My safety net was gone and I needed to be reminded of who I am apart from school. I needed Jesus, the only true and constant safety net I will ever have in this life. The best version of me has nothing to do with a degree, a fitted blazer, or a title. The best version of me is made up of the imperfections that are covered by God's grace and forgiveness. It is safe to say that although I will soon be joining the workforce, I still have no idea what God is up to in our lives. Something that has been clear to both Austin and I is that it will not be natural, it will not be routine, and therefore, because I am so type-A and something is only enjoyable if I am good at it, it will not be immediately enjoyable. I can't say that I will never go back to school again but I can say that God has called me to something new. Beginning in September, I will start a new position working as a home-based therapist for Community Mental Health in Central Michigan. Until then, cheers to moving back in with my parents and a month off. Better yet, here's to letting God work in my heart and continue to humble me. Friends, let us hold each other accountable to what God is teaching us. Let us live boldly, knowing there is a ever-present safety net. "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand."
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As Austin and I pack up our first ever home, our living room is filled with boxes and our hearts are spilling with memories as we unpack this whirlwind journey.
After 6 short months of dating, Austin proposed and we decided to get married 3 months later during my semester break. Waiting to marry my love, I remember the anticipation. We got married on New Year's Eve and moved to Ann Arbor 2 days later. As we drove to Ann Arbor, our cars were filled to the brim and my parents were following us with a trailer that contained hand-me-down furniture and Craigslist steals. We couldn't wait to unpack all of the gifts from multiple showers and the wedding. Our first night we slept on air mattresses next to the fire. Settling into our first home, I remember the excitement. We did community development for a non-profit organization in exchange for free rent at the apartment complex we moved into, which was ideal for two people who were flat broke and living on love. The next week, Austin and I returned to our jobs, and classes resumed. Austin was working second shift at a warehouse and I was working a few hours a week as a nanny. Working so hard, I remember the exhaustion. Looking back, our first fight was hilarious (it is more of an in-person story, ask us sometime!). Adjusting to marriage was hard, I remember the tears and confusion, and I remember the forgiveness and grace. Austin unexpectedly lost his job in March. I was terrified that we were not going to be able to continue living in Ann Arbor with a gap in income. Austin got a new job within 24-hours of losing his previous job. Waiting for provision, I remember the fear. Spring finally came and we planted our first square foot garden. We had absolutely no idea what we were doing, but we planted a few things and recruited some help, mostly from Google and a green-thumbed neighbor. Watching the pumpkin take over the garden, I remember the laughter. I trudged through summer classes and graduated a few weeks ago. Attending the University of Michigan and living a mile away from the Big House was nothing short of a dream, I remember feeling a sense of purpose and privilege to be a part of Team 93. Throughout this season, we planned community events for the apartment complex. Living in a diverse community, finding a baby to hold at every event, and preparing breakfast at midnight twice a month, I remember the beauty of people. This morning we started our last week in Ann Arbor. My husband came home from work tonight with this song playing softly. Dancing in the living room with my husband, I will remember that, something there are no words for. I will forever remember this season. Anticipation, excitement, exhaustion, tears, confusion, forgiveness, grace, fear, laughter, purpose, privilege, the beauty of people, and that, I will remember you. Last weekend I graduated from the University of Michigan with my MSW. Throughout the program, I kept telling myself I wanted to start and keep a blog. A few things...okay a lot of things (class, field placement, working as a nanny, planning a wedding in 3 short months, and becoming a wife) kind of got in the way of fulfilling this goal. Not to mention writing has become a chore since freshman year of college. Even as I type this, I notice myself wanting to make sure I have great transitions, flawless grammar, and dynamic use of words. I want my work to be perfect.
Since graduation, I have had a few days to step back, reflect on this past year, and start looking forward. This time has been so difficult, and yet so necessary. It has been difficult to sit. It has been difficult to have time. It has been difficult to slow down. It has been necessary to realize that my need for perfect does not stop at my writing. Over the past several years, the desire to be perfect has become my purpose. It has been necessary to realize that this interferes with my relationship with Jesus as well as the people I love the most. It has been necessary to realize that this has taken away from God's purpose for my life. It has been necessary to realize that life is about to change, a lot. In the most sincere way, the American Dream has been awfully enticing, and in a lot of ways expected, but God is calling Austin and I to write a different story. To stop striving for perfect and to start striving for fulfillment of God's purpose. We know that writing a different story will be, at times, uncomfortable, unpopular, and misunderstood. It certainly won't be perfect. We are scared, humbled, and ready. Ready for what? We have no idea. We have packed up our apartment, quit our jobs, and move out on the 15th. Move where? We have no idea. To do what? You guessed it, we have no idea. I do know that I am excited to share the story with you. Get busy living friends. |
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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