In high school English class, I was taught to remember my audience when writing. The difficult part of announcing our pregnancy on Facebook is knowing there are several readers in my audience who have struggled with infertility and miscarriage, longing to hold a baby in their belly. You reader and friend, are closest to my heart in sharing our news.
Maybe you're closest to my heart because as we were trying to get pregnant, I felt joy after hearing of someone else expecting, but couldn't help but feel a twinge of "that hurt" too. I had no idea how to talk to other people about it without sounding selfish. Austin and I started "trying" in October 2014. We knew our foster care license was put on hold due to moving, yet we were eager to grow our family. You know what I honestly thought that first month? Of course we would get pregnant. My Christian education taught me you have sex and get pregnant that moment (and die if you're not married). No such luck. At the 6 month mark, I was pretty discouraged. It should be easier than this. I went to the doctor who suggested timed intercourse and temperature tracking. You know what puts a fair amount of pressure on your relationship? Timed intercourse and temperature tracking. Anywho, once we found out our foster care license was about a month out, we actively stopped trying. Well, God had different plans. Two days after Mr. T's arrival, I knew something was up and headed to the doctor scared out of my mind. Well, first I took a pregnancy test in the Mcdonalds bathroom betweens home visits. Here we are 3 months pregnant, very surprised by God's timing. This might be one of those TMI post, if you think so move along, but I think it's so important for people to know that behind our announcement on Facebook there is a story. It didn't "just happen" right away for us, and after walking alongside several friends trying to get pregnant, I'm pretty convinced it doesn't "just happened" right away for a lot of people and sometimes not at all. There are deep hurts and pains in every aspect of life, trying to grow a family is no exception. I challenge you to share the not-so-exciting news of struggle and grief with those who will honor your story and walk alongside you as you journey. I wish I would have started to share my fears and worries sooner. There are definitely lessons I've learned throughout the past 8 months that can't be captured by the Pinterest-perfect pregnancy announcement. (Disclaimer: our announcement photo is a google imagine. Time and creativity are greatly lacking right now). For those who experienced a "that hurt" moment after seeing our post, allow yourself to feel it. It's awfully confusing to try to sort out such grief for yourself and joy for someone else. Know that I am praying for you. For those of you reading who long to carry a baby but know it's unlikely you will do so, I pray for you too. I've fumbled for quite some time with how to wrap this post up. Maybe your "that hurt" moment didn't come from a place of infertility or miscarriage. Maybe it came from a place of "how long will I be stuck in this season where it seems like nothing is changing?" or "will I ever find the one to start a family with?" I don't know where you're at right now. The only conclusion that I've come up with is life is full of events that include both grief and joy, more glaringly so in adulthood. Let's start the hard conversations and learn how to better do this journey. I fully believe it will lead to greater, fuller, and more genuine joy in our lives.
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Today I received this text from my husband:
"It is true I am weak in faith, and prone to fall, but my very feebleness is the reason why I should always be where thou feedest thy flock, that I may be strengthened and preserved in safety beside the still waters. Why should I turn aside? There is no reason why I should, but there are a thousand reasons why I should not, for Jesus beckons me to come. If he withdraw himself a little, it is but to make me prize his presence more. Now that I am grieved and distressed at being away from him, he will lead me yet again to that sheltered nook where the lambs of his fold are sheltered from the burning sun." -Spurgepn Tears quickly came, followed by relief. Rewind about 2 months. We received "the call," a sweet 4-old boy would be joining our family. I remember the phone call going something like this, "...he's an easy kid, no behaviors, independent, loving, and plays well with other kids." We felt peace, trusting God was giving us a trial run at parenting with a "typical kid" (whatever that means). Not even two days after Mr.T's arrival we were convinced they dropped off the wrong kid. Seriously. There was lots of refusing, kicking, hitting, screaming, spitting, food throwing, peeing, destroying, late nights, early mornings, and phone calls from daycare. I couldn't help but think we were doing something terribly wrong. Doubts flooded in. I was convinced I was the worst parent, ever. Since I struggle with feeling like failure all by myself, I started in on Austin. Surely he would like to feel like a failure too. There has been incredible pressure on our marriage in trying to figure this out. Thankfully, my dad (our family jokes, of all people, my dad) made a simple parenting suggestion to us to try to help with bedtime. It worked. God works. For the past several weeks we have been getting sleeping again. It's been amazing to see Mr.T function so differently with good sleep (he might say the same about his foster parents). We haven't quite pinpointed why or how, but over the past 4 days, there has been peace and still waters in our home once again. Along with my dad's suggestion, there was recently a time where Austin and I were laying in bed and sheepishly admitted we've been trying to do this without God. We have been weak in faith, grieved and distressed. We are slowly being led yet again into His shelter and are so grateful. We are incredibly proud of Mr.T, a small, now 5-year-old kid, who has the biggest heart and longest eyelashes. He's oddly obsessed with "eating people's eyeballs," which we find hilarious most of the time. He's been working so hard at adjusting to this change. He's resilient, honest, and so brave. We are praying that our hearts remain still even if our circumstance don't. My favorite part of the day is our chats before bedtime. Me: You've had such a great day, I'm so proud of you. Mr. T: Yeah, but sometimes I'm naughty and that's okay because I'm pive (5) Me: Right kiddo, you're trying so hard and sometimes everyone is a little naughty. I love you to the moon and back. Mr. T: I love you all the way around the wurld. I love you more then eyeballs. I am well loved you guys. A special prayer of gratitude to my husband, who is leading our family even when it's hard for me to let him. Also, to my parents. You've gently spoken truth into our circumstance. Even when it's hard for me to hear, I value your support, unconditional love, and grace. |
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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