In the past 365 days I've cooked approximately twice, broken the same lever on a new car twice, and made my husband return area rugs that "would look perfect in the living room" twice, or 3 times... ... and he still chooses me, every day. The other day I asked Austin what he was most surprised to learn about me after getting married, thinking he would give either a. a superficial answer like, you never pick your clothes off the floor, or b. something endearing like, you really are the best wife a man could ask for. After all, I was planning on saying, "I was surprised how obsessed with cars you are." His answer was much different than I expected. He said, "I was surprised at how independent I thought you were and how much you're really not." Whoa. My first reaction was defensive. I had to justify with specific examples how Ms. Independent I am, but the more we talked about it, the more I realized how much I've needed to ditch the "I can do this all by myself" mentality and embrace the "I need other people" over the past two years. We dated for 6 months, were engaged for a little over two months. I needed people to speak life into a chaotic season, to take care of small details, and to keep me focused on the marriage part of life that comes after a wedding. We moved to Ann Arbor 2 days after getting married. I needed people to help us load all of our new belongings, to unpack and make an apartment feel like a home, and to help us settle into a new city. We did our first year of marriage while I was in graduate school and Austin was in school and working full time on second shift. It was so hard. I needed people to befriend me in a grueling program, to visit, and to help make freezer meals as I quickly learned I was no Betty Crocker. We moved from Ann Arbor shortly after I graduated. I needed people to house us as we figured out what the next steps were going to be, to encourage me as I prepared for a licensing exam, and to welcome us to our new tiny town, Evart. We were received a foster care placement after moving and found out we were pregnant a few days later. I needed people to celebrate the small victories, to come over when I was at the end of myself, and to push me towards the only One who could help me sort out the all of the feelings that come with so much change. And here we are. We've needed all the members of "home team" and we've needed each other. God placed the man of my prayers in my life at exactly the right time. The exact right time. The time where I thought I could continue doing everything by myself and be successful. The time I honestly wasn't ready to share my life and past hurts with someone else. The time I had no idea what becoming a wife would entail. Maybe I still don't, just the other night I said, "I feel like real wife tonight" after managing to throw together a crockpot meal before work. I've got a lot to learn. Our story started as one of redemption, and continues to be written with themes of hope and love. I'm thankful for Austin, the person who I've needed a lot this year. Austin, I've "lost" some of my independence to you, and I've gained so much more. You are a picture of selflessness, genuine care, and faith. Thanks for teaching me and learning with me. ... Two kids, one a permanent part of our story although he no longer lives with us, and one growing away in my belly for a few more weeks. Two friends lost, learning grief within marriage and how to provide a balance of comfort and space. Two mini vacations, time away to reflect and restore. Two years of marriage to the best guy around. Here's to 82 more.
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Last year, I shared this post. One I really didn't want to share because truth was/is I really liked/like the instant gratification and distraction of social media and didn't want the accountability of having to put down the phone.
This year, I used my iPhone to take 340 some pictures, mostly of Mr. T and a growing bump. I even shared a few on Facebook. I had an "on again off again" relationship with my Facebook and Instagram apps throughout the year too, never sticking fully to my resolution. My resolution was created last year with the goal of writing a better story. One that wasn't worried about taking a picture 23 times to find the right angle that doesn't make me look fat, or finding the perfect filter. I didn't want to miss real people, conversations, opportunities, and moments. I wanted to like my own life rather than being concerned about how many others "liked" my life. I wanted to have photo albums on my shelves for my kids to look at it. I wanted to remember feelings, tastes, sounds, sights, and use my words to describe them to people. I wanted to remember how life actually occurred, not just how I wanted it to look. Despite the fact I didn't stick completely to my resolution, I grew. I wrote a lot this year. I shared a lot of our foster care story. Most of the pictures I took would have only portrayed our best moments. Words gave me an outlet to share the really, really hard. There are so many people who did real life with us this year, and not necessarily the parts of life I would normally share. Like the time my mom and I took 3 kids including Mr. T to the children's museum, only for it to end with an hour standoff of getting back in the car, resulting in a broken car seat, lots of tears, and feelings of being embarrassed and defeated. But we did it. Life didn't happen exactly how I wanted it to this year, and writing has helped me cope with grief and loss. Also, throughout the year, I found myself really aware of the impact phone and social media use had on my heart and my most important relationships. Unfortunately, awareness of a problem doesn't always create change, but slowly and steadily I'm learning my source of peace, and that isn't from comparisons or jealousy. On the days where awareness created changed, I've spent time in solitude before hopping on social media and my days looked so different. The first morning I did this I read, "...and she suffered a lot, mostly from the things that never came to be, " referring to worry. Those words were meant for me, and every day, God has more important words for me than what I read about status updates. Earlier in October I printed off 1,073 pictures and put them in albums so my kids don't have to login to Facebook to see Austin and I's love story, their birth, ect. A lot of mixed tears came with putting together the albums, joy in reliving a perfect proposal that tells a story of redemption, regret in remembering a hard first year of marriage, and gratitude for the challenging, yet ever-so endearing Mr. T, who forever changed my life. I grew, and there is more growing to do. I know 2016 will bring pictures (possibly more than ever), both shared and treasured. I also know Austin and I are committed to being present parents. We want to start off well. We want to do real adventure, real love, and real life. Please, hold us accountable to this. I don't have a concrete resolution for 2016 (a far fetch goal is to finish the Riverbank 25k to keep the tradition alive, but please, no accountability on that one), but I've known since I was 5-years-old carrying around a fake set of keys and all my "babies" that my call was to be a godly wife and mother. I resolute to being a present wife and mother, that our little one would know the importance of authenticity, being in relationship with others, and living a life worth of the one he is called to. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! |
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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