Recently, my grandma was diagnosed with dementia and will be moving to assisted living in the near future. The diagnosis was no surprise to my family, we've been concerned about her memory for quite some time now. Still, the formal diagnosis and next steps have been emotional and difficult for us. My mom has a lot of responsibility in this process and I know it's been especially difficult for her. It got me thinking about mothers, and how strong we are. More times than not, it's because we have to be.
I love my mom, and consider her one of my best friends. There have also been times throughout my life I have been very critical of her and wouldn't always classify her as strong (I cringe typing that, I really do). This is partly due to being a typical teenager who thinks they always know what's best, partly because strong-willed women are no stranger to us, and partly because when you loose a sibling, you loose your parents (as you know them) too. Before becoming a mom, this didn't make much sense to me, there were times I was angry with my parents for the ways they changed and was sick of feeling like my sister and I were never enough. Since becoming a mom, I can't imagine the type of person I would become if I lost a child. I look at my mom now (really both of my parents) as a hero, because not only did she survive after loosing a part of herself, she rebuilt and supported my sister and I through all of life's transitions. She still does. My dad and her our are "go tos," and a lot of other people's too, including my grandma. My mom cares for the sick, provides for the poor, and makes strangers, refugees, family. Connie is strong as a mother and I'm thankful to be like her in so many ways. Although my grandma has always been quiet (mostly because no one could get a word in over my grandpa) she has also modeled strength, perseverance, and faith. When I was talking on the phone with her earlier today about her transition to assisted living her voice cracked, and she said, "I know God will sustain me through this like he always has." My grandma is no stranger to loss or trial. She lost a sibling, my grandpa was an alcoholic when my grandma was a young mother, she lost a grandchild, attended 11 funerals for her and my grandpa's siblings, and cared for my grandpa when he was diagnosed with cancer which led to other demanding health problems. Oh, and she stuck with my grandpa when he quit smoking cold turkey which may be one of the bigger accomplishments on that list. He was so crabby. Now she's losing her memory, but she still has her faith. Wilma, is strong as a mother, and I hope to model her steadfast faith, quick wit, and humbleness throughout my life. I know I will constantly have to check myself throughout this process with my grandma. I think life has taught me to start "distancing" myself, and my mind almost acts as if she were already gone. She's not, and we still have time, maybe lots of it. But for me right now, being strong as a mother means continuing to love my grandma well, even when she forgets, and supporting my mom as best as I can as she grieves. She too, has lost her mom as she has known her. It also means welcoming her dog, little Casey, into our home. If you know me, you know me and dogs. Thankfully, I'm outnumbered 3-1 on this and Casey will be well loved, especially by sweet Jade. Friends, life and loss can dramatically change the people we love most. Sometimes you're stuck with those people because you're a kid and they are your parents (and you know almost nothing about empathy or grace at age 11, but do at 27 and are so thankful for you parents because although changed, are the best). Other times they may be your grandparents, or a friend. Probably 9x out of 10, it's easier to visit less frequently, stop calling/checking-in, or walk away all together and fill the loss with something else. In my experience, it's worthwhile to dig deep and stick around. Death, cancer, dementia, divorce, addiction/recovery, tell stories of hope, triumph, and courage, and teach lessons about grit, faith, and determination an easy life just won't. *** The social worker in me wants to add this disclaimer: I understand it's not always healthy to stick with those people, when change makes them angry, violent, unsafe*** I come from a line of strong women. I'm so proud of my grandma and my mom. I want to be like them. My grandma, Wilma. My mom, Connie. Me, Haley. Strong as mothers. My sister and daughter are really awesome too.
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A few weeks ago, I wrote about my 2019 word/resolution: soft. My biggest observation 27 days into 2019? Apologies and "do-overs" are important. There have been several conversations (you get my drift?) between Austin and I where I find myself in attack mode and have to step back, apologize, and ask for an opportunity to reset. This is a miserable process for someone as strong-willed as me, but definitely worth it. The end result is a lot of thankfulness and extended grace. I think I feel most proud when Austin tells me he sees a difference in me, it's my highest valued relationship but also the relationship I'm hardest on. Maybe a year ago during a "conversation" Austin told me it felt like I was always finding something for us to work on and that nothing was ever good enough. At the time, I was really defensive, and responded by basically saying "well one of us has to have goals for our relationship," and so on. Now I'm learning to rest in what we have, not nitpick as much, and realize 99% of the time we are arguing about something we actually agree if we step back and look at the big picture.
My other observation is simple yet transformative, my life is so much more enjoyable. A few examples: 1. I'm training for a half marathon in April. I do my long runs on the weekend and for the first time, I'm looking less at my watch and more at my surroundings. Last week, I enjoyed an early morning, fresh air, and a new route. Yesterday, my kids were at my feet and I was on and off the treadmill grabbing snacks, changing songs, fetching toys. Both runs I was well over a 10:30 pace and I didn't care. An added bonus? I had enough energy to enjoy my family the rest of the day vs. being exhausted from pushing myself as hard as possible. 2. I started a few simple sewing projects. Previously, I've only used my sewing machine once, the day I got it. I didn't do it again because my stitches weren't perfect and I couldn't finish projects in a day. My stitches still aren't perfect and my projects aren't completed, but when you do life "soft" it doesn't matter. You run for the enjoyment of running and you sew for the enjoyment of sewing. 3. I don't exhaust myself with overthinking or over planning. We celebrated Nick's birthday yesterday. We kept it small, no crazy decorations, and no full meal. I love hosting but am terrible at cooking. This helped me actually enjoy my son's party without worrying about pictures or perfection. I also love themes and anything you can dress up for (if you couldn't tell by Jade's first birthday). But Nick wanted a dirt bike cake, a PJ Masks piñata, and only wanted to wear "stretchy pants" to his party. So that's what we did, and it was great. Admittedly, this more laid back attitude did result in a frantic phone call to a friend who dropped off a bag of Gordon's meatballs to me a few hours before the party. 4. Medication helps me with my word. When you have 2 babies in 2 years it's hard to be properly/safely medicated. This is one of the hardest things to follow through with in order to help me life a soft life. I don't sleep great or am SO tired, the dry mouth is really terrible, and losing weight it more difficult (something I sadly place a very high value on). But when you are working on being gentler with yourself/others/life you realize the benefits of medication outweigh a few annoying side effects. 5. I said yes to Casey, the newest addition to our family. We've had a dog before, and it wasn't the greatest experience. I hadn't had kids yet and thought I knew selflessness but didn't. This time, I'm focusing more on the love my family has for animals (I'm way outnumbered on this) and how much joy a dog is bringing. It feels right. 6. Last, my approach with my kids is just different. They deserve gentleness and empathy. We recently started a parenting series with our small group. Last week's session was on how kids can be experience rich and relationally poor. For us, that has been really true, and to be honest, a lot of experiences haven't been as memorable as we would have liked because our kids rather be at home playing with their mom and dad than waiting in line to see Santa. I want to care more about my kids loving Jesus, being kind, patient, confident, and good friends to others more than I care about them hitting developmental milestones ahead of schedule, being involved in the best sports teams, achieving academic success, and being stand out. I need to model that because the reality is at 27, my past sports career/grades/college attended matters 0 and intentional relationships, people I can sit and be myself with are 100. I have a l o n g ways to go. It is a daily, hourly conscious effort to be soft. I'm hoping some day it will be more natural. But 27 days in and no tooth brushes have been broken! Praise! There are two types of people this time of year: resolution haters and resolution makers. I fall in the second category because I love to cast vision and set goals. In terms of leadership strengths, I'm an activator. I get things started and after that, I honestly like to delegate and watch someone else carry it out. My mom can testify to this as I recall several DIY projects I started (dining room table redo, first and last sewing project, birthday cakes) and she *helped* aka finished for me. I'm sure you can imagine this makes resolution making easy, and resolution carry out very difficult.
If you read my last post, you know 2018 was the first time I carried out a New Year's resolution by reading a book a month. This year, I've set a couple of resolutions (more on that later) but I also chose a word. Soft. As I type it, it sounds silly, but I'm serious, soft is my word for 2019. Why? Because I recently realized how freaking hard I do everything. A couple of physical examples: I wash my face as if I'm trying to wash my flesh off, I use pencils and silverware so hard I break and bend them, I can't screw sippy cup lids on because I push down so hard, ask my husband what it feels like when I shave his neck with a razor, I walk loud, death grip the steering wheel, clench my teeth, and once I even broke the handle off Austin's tailgate when I was trying to open it. I like to think this is attributed to me being super strong, but I think it's a little deeper than that. I think it's called trauma. It's taught me to protect myself as best as I possibly can. I know I've talked about the book, The Body Keeps the Score, before, but I'm recognizing more and more how much childhood trauma has shaped my life and even the way I wash my face. I wish this was limited to my hygiene routine and other simple daily activities but sadly it's pretty engrained in my personality as well. I have no chill. I pick something and I do it, hard, without stopping, and as perfectly as I can possibly do it. I start running, and run a marathon. Begin a book, finish it within a few days. We buy a new house and I want it painted, decorated, and settled immediately. I approach arguments with guns blazing, making sure I'm heard, and right, which sometimes burns people I love the most. Approaching things, both physical and not, like this has made my life unnecessarily hard. I also think I've missed out on a lot of good emotions. Soft. Gentle. Vulnerable (it' getting warm). Real (okay I'm sweating). So I started washing my face and brushing my teeth without trying to scrub my flesh off and without breaking toothbrushes. I think that alone might change my life this year. I'm still running but I'm not running a marathon this year. I'm training for a half marathon and am pacing for the Gazelle Girl Race. Which pace? The NO PACE group. I committed to finishing with the last person who finishes the race and I can't wait. I also don't have to train my life away trying to prepare for spring races. I can learn to run again for the joy of running and not to crush a PR. I think this is one of the times I'm writing for me but sharing with you? I don't know, but at least you can now hold me accountable if I tell you I'm going to do something crazy and unnecessarily hard. Cheers to 2019. I can do hard things, softly. |
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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