Recently, my grandma was diagnosed with dementia and will be moving to assisted living in the near future. The diagnosis was no surprise to my family, we've been concerned about her memory for quite some time now. Still, the formal diagnosis and next steps have been emotional and difficult for us. My mom has a lot of responsibility in this process and I know it's been especially difficult for her. It got me thinking about mothers, and how strong we are. More times than not, it's because we have to be.
I love my mom, and consider her one of my best friends. There have also been times throughout my life I have been very critical of her and wouldn't always classify her as strong (I cringe typing that, I really do). This is partly due to being a typical teenager who thinks they always know what's best, partly because strong-willed women are no stranger to us, and partly because when you loose a sibling, you loose your parents (as you know them) too. Before becoming a mom, this didn't make much sense to me, there were times I was angry with my parents for the ways they changed and was sick of feeling like my sister and I were never enough. Since becoming a mom, I can't imagine the type of person I would become if I lost a child. I look at my mom now (really both of my parents) as a hero, because not only did she survive after loosing a part of herself, she rebuilt and supported my sister and I through all of life's transitions. She still does. My dad and her our are "go tos," and a lot of other people's too, including my grandma. My mom cares for the sick, provides for the poor, and makes strangers, refugees, family. Connie is strong as a mother and I'm thankful to be like her in so many ways. Although my grandma has always been quiet (mostly because no one could get a word in over my grandpa) she has also modeled strength, perseverance, and faith. When I was talking on the phone with her earlier today about her transition to assisted living her voice cracked, and she said, "I know God will sustain me through this like he always has." My grandma is no stranger to loss or trial. She lost a sibling, my grandpa was an alcoholic when my grandma was a young mother, she lost a grandchild, attended 11 funerals for her and my grandpa's siblings, and cared for my grandpa when he was diagnosed with cancer which led to other demanding health problems. Oh, and she stuck with my grandpa when he quit smoking cold turkey which may be one of the bigger accomplishments on that list. He was so crabby. Now she's losing her memory, but she still has her faith. Wilma, is strong as a mother, and I hope to model her steadfast faith, quick wit, and humbleness throughout my life. I know I will constantly have to check myself throughout this process with my grandma. I think life has taught me to start "distancing" myself, and my mind almost acts as if she were already gone. She's not, and we still have time, maybe lots of it. But for me right now, being strong as a mother means continuing to love my grandma well, even when she forgets, and supporting my mom as best as I can as she grieves. She too, has lost her mom as she has known her. It also means welcoming her dog, little Casey, into our home. If you know me, you know me and dogs. Thankfully, I'm outnumbered 3-1 on this and Casey will be well loved, especially by sweet Jade. Friends, life and loss can dramatically change the people we love most. Sometimes you're stuck with those people because you're a kid and they are your parents (and you know almost nothing about empathy or grace at age 11, but do at 27 and are so thankful for you parents because although changed, are the best). Other times they may be your grandparents, or a friend. Probably 9x out of 10, it's easier to visit less frequently, stop calling/checking-in, or walk away all together and fill the loss with something else. In my experience, it's worthwhile to dig deep and stick around. Death, cancer, dementia, divorce, addiction/recovery, tell stories of hope, triumph, and courage, and teach lessons about grit, faith, and determination an easy life just won't. *** The social worker in me wants to add this disclaimer: I understand it's not always healthy to stick with those people, when change makes them angry, violent, unsafe*** I come from a line of strong women. I'm so proud of my grandma and my mom. I want to be like them. My grandma, Wilma. My mom, Connie. Me, Haley. Strong as mothers. My sister and daughter are really awesome too.
2 Comments
Javonne Granderson
1/23/2019 05:31:20 pm
This is perfect !
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Ruth
1/24/2019 05:47:39 am
It will be three years on February 14, that my mom passed to glory. Today, I still miss that dear, sweet, strong woman of faith. In December, it was 2 years ago that another of these strong women you describe, my oldest sister, died unexpectedly. Through tears, I read your thoughts and want to thank you for sharing. Haley Girl, you make me humble and proud at the same time. Blessings to you.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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