Nicholas Henry,
Your Great-Grandpa Hank (Henry) Klifman went to be with Jesus early this morning. What a joy for him as he experiences freedom from pain and suffering and Heavenly reunions I can't begin to imagine. You left his house a few weeks ago with a big X on your hand-a sure sign you were at great-grandpa's. He left the same X's on my hands when I was a little girl. I hadn't seen those X's in such a long time. It was the sweetest reminder of grandpa's simple way of loving. Simple living and loving, that was grandpa. He got such a kick out of watching us bob for apples, throwing darts at balloons staples to the floor, catching frogs, or attaching a marshmallow to a string and tacking it to the ceiling as we tried to get a bite out of it. He created the type of childhood magic I hope to create for you. Most importantly he taught me to love Jesus and to always trust in Him. He kept perspective in times I couldn't see God's goodness. He wasn't afraid to be honest and told me to "be patient" when I didn't want to hear it/when life wasn't going "my way." Heaven was his hope. I hope we live in the same way. I left his house last night and he made a motion, like someone rocking a baby in their arms and told me to tell you goodnight. He said he was so glad he got to meet you. He loved you more than I can ever put to words. In your short seven months of life he said "you're my boy" more times than I can count. As he faced the end of his earthly life his earthly brain couldn't grasp the fact he was going to a place where you wouldn't be. He thought you were absolutely perfect. He said, "Wait a minute, Nick won't be there, Nick won't be there but my other Nick will." I miss him already and oh how I will miss the way he loved you. You will hear about the person you are named after time and time again. God, thank you. I don't know how I got so many of your bests directly plopped in my life but I did and I'm forever grateful. Also, loosing your bests is so painful, please give us comfort and peace.
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Throughout the past 14 years I've experienced 2 traumatic and incredibly personal deaths, and 3 additional "way too close to home" "watch your sister's best friend, sister, and best friends experience death" deaths. All but one of these 5 deaths were people under the age of 25. Death has shaped and defined my family for most of my life and yet we continue to be stunned by new losses asking ourselves, "this can't be real, another one?"
I've struggled to write lately. Everything on the internet is picked apart. Will I be viewed as someone seeking attention? Overly dramatic? Can you believe she wrote that? Well, as a feeler of all things, every emotion, a majority of the time, writing is healing, and today, it's for me, and I'll share with you because it's real life and my grandpa's Heaven brain wisdom is too good not to share. So here's the sitch. I've never experienced death under "normal" circumstances (old age). Austin's grandpa died when we were together but I had only met him once before that. All my grandparents are still living, but my grandpa is dying and we, the Stegeman's, are struggling. How do we "do death" when we know it's coming, when it's someone who's almost 80, and overall, an expected event. We don't really. We try. Just like any other family I suppose. It's really hard conversations with your grandpa about how you're not ready for him to die but you're so glad he got to meet his great-grandson named after him. It's late night conversations on the couch talking about hospice, end of life fears, millions of memories, lots of tears, prayers for a few more special memories. It's hard. Expected grief is so exhausting. Like my mom put it, the shock of traumatic death protects you from the full blow at first. When I think about my grandpa, I think about a God-fearing man, full of integrity, who is confident of the hope of Heaven, and who loves his family so fiercely it just hurts to hold his great-grandson knowing he won't be in Heaven quite yet. Earth brain and Heaven brain. I'm so happy I've seen glimpses of my grandpa's Heaven brain. His exact words, "They are going to tell me my shelf life this week, but that don't mean nothing. My Higher Power controls that. I just can't help but think about my boy (that's what he calls Nick) and my kids and feel like I'm going to miss something. Then I think about Heaven, and my other Nick there, and the I people I love there, it's going to be good. I've lived a good life." Amen. And Amen. His "shelf life" is 3-6 months. Maybe we will have more, maybe we will have less. God, I love this man. He has been at every important and mundane event in my life and my Earth brain is telling me I need him for every moment to come. Give me Heaven brain perspective, and please, please, tape the reunion between grandfather and grandson. I literally can't imagine the joy and healing. I wish so badly I could witness it first hand. My grandpa is a feeler too, and it's going to be the type of restoration we can't find on Earth. Thank you for giving me such a gift for 25 years. He has taught me to love you, to keep your commands, and to raise my son to do the same. I will strive to do just that. I ask for strength to handle the upcoming weeks and months with grace. Being so close to death is vulnerable and I stink at that sometimes. Give us peace. Amen. And Amen. |
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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