Throughout the past 14 years I've experienced 2 traumatic and incredibly personal deaths, and 3 additional "way too close to home" "watch your sister's best friend, sister, and best friends experience death" deaths. All but one of these 5 deaths were people under the age of 25. Death has shaped and defined my family for most of my life and yet we continue to be stunned by new losses asking ourselves, "this can't be real, another one?"
I've struggled to write lately. Everything on the internet is picked apart. Will I be viewed as someone seeking attention? Overly dramatic? Can you believe she wrote that? Well, as a feeler of all things, every emotion, a majority of the time, writing is healing, and today, it's for me, and I'll share with you because it's real life and my grandpa's Heaven brain wisdom is too good not to share. So here's the sitch. I've never experienced death under "normal" circumstances (old age). Austin's grandpa died when we were together but I had only met him once before that. All my grandparents are still living, but my grandpa is dying and we, the Stegeman's, are struggling. How do we "do death" when we know it's coming, when it's someone who's almost 80, and overall, an expected event. We don't really. We try. Just like any other family I suppose. It's really hard conversations with your grandpa about how you're not ready for him to die but you're so glad he got to meet his great-grandson named after him. It's late night conversations on the couch talking about hospice, end of life fears, millions of memories, lots of tears, prayers for a few more special memories. It's hard. Expected grief is so exhausting. Like my mom put it, the shock of traumatic death protects you from the full blow at first. When I think about my grandpa, I think about a God-fearing man, full of integrity, who is confident of the hope of Heaven, and who loves his family so fiercely it just hurts to hold his great-grandson knowing he won't be in Heaven quite yet. Earth brain and Heaven brain. I'm so happy I've seen glimpses of my grandpa's Heaven brain. His exact words, "They are going to tell me my shelf life this week, but that don't mean nothing. My Higher Power controls that. I just can't help but think about my boy (that's what he calls Nick) and my kids and feel like I'm going to miss something. Then I think about Heaven, and my other Nick there, and the I people I love there, it's going to be good. I've lived a good life." Amen. And Amen. His "shelf life" is 3-6 months. Maybe we will have more, maybe we will have less. God, I love this man. He has been at every important and mundane event in my life and my Earth brain is telling me I need him for every moment to come. Give me Heaven brain perspective, and please, please, tape the reunion between grandfather and grandson. I literally can't imagine the joy and healing. I wish so badly I could witness it first hand. My grandpa is a feeler too, and it's going to be the type of restoration we can't find on Earth. Thank you for giving me such a gift for 25 years. He has taught me to love you, to keep your commands, and to raise my son to do the same. I will strive to do just that. I ask for strength to handle the upcoming weeks and months with grace. Being so close to death is vulnerable and I stink at that sometimes. Give us peace. Amen. And Amen.
5 Comments
Jess LaMer
8/4/2016 06:08:32 pm
Haley, thank you for putting this into words. I've been struggling with expected death of my aunt. I'm absolutely a feeler, too, and I feel too much to dare to put it into words yet. Thank you for living in courage. Take heart, dear one.
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Thank You for this beautiful piece.Eleanor
8/4/2016 07:08:58 pm
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Alyssa (Schipper) Walcott
8/5/2016 01:05:17 am
Beautiful. I know you've been through so much, but your life is a beautiful testimony. When we've talked about death with middle/high schoolers, I have told your story. They love that you named your son after Nick, and find healing in that. I also just talked about you this past weekend at a retreat with students. We were talking about making bad decisions and I shared the time we thought it'd be funny to hide from the rest of our group on the canoe trip. Yikes. :-p If I end up living in MI again someday, can we be friends again? :) Love your blogs. Please don't stop writing them because you're worried about what people think!
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Lori Veldheer
8/5/2016 06:43:57 am
Haley,
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Lisa Arnold
8/5/2016 08:52:53 am
Haley, God has given you a special talent. You are able to put into words what so many cannot. When I was in high school, I practically lived at your grandparents home. I loved being around your grandma and grandpa. I loved his sense of humor (your mom got that from him). Mr. K is a wonderful, loving, man that is so full of wisdom. He is special to a lot of people and will be missed. Death is always around the corner. We don't know how long we have. Losing my brother taught me that and losing yours taught you. Your grandpa lived life and knows that when God calls him home, he will be ready. You will all be in my prayers during this difficult time. God bless you all.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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