There are two types of people this time of year: resolution haters and resolution makers. I fall in the second category because I love to cast vision and set goals. In terms of leadership strengths, I'm an activator. I get things started and after that, I honestly like to delegate and watch someone else carry it out. My mom can testify to this as I recall several DIY projects I started (dining room table redo, first and last sewing project, birthday cakes) and she *helped* aka finished for me. I'm sure you can imagine this makes resolution making easy, and resolution carry out very difficult.
If you read my last post, you know 2018 was the first time I carried out a New Year's resolution by reading a book a month. This year, I've set a couple of resolutions (more on that later) but I also chose a word. Soft. As I type it, it sounds silly, but I'm serious, soft is my word for 2019. Why? Because I recently realized how freaking hard I do everything. A couple of physical examples: I wash my face as if I'm trying to wash my flesh off, I use pencils and silverware so hard I break and bend them, I can't screw sippy cup lids on because I push down so hard, ask my husband what it feels like when I shave his neck with a razor, I walk loud, death grip the steering wheel, clench my teeth, and once I even broke the handle off Austin's tailgate when I was trying to open it. I like to think this is attributed to me being super strong, but I think it's a little deeper than that. I think it's called trauma. It's taught me to protect myself as best as I possibly can. I know I've talked about the book, The Body Keeps the Score, before, but I'm recognizing more and more how much childhood trauma has shaped my life and even the way I wash my face. I wish this was limited to my hygiene routine and other simple daily activities but sadly it's pretty engrained in my personality as well. I have no chill. I pick something and I do it, hard, without stopping, and as perfectly as I can possibly do it. I start running, and run a marathon. Begin a book, finish it within a few days. We buy a new house and I want it painted, decorated, and settled immediately. I approach arguments with guns blazing, making sure I'm heard, and right, which sometimes burns people I love the most. Approaching things, both physical and not, like this has made my life unnecessarily hard. I also think I've missed out on a lot of good emotions. Soft. Gentle. Vulnerable (it' getting warm). Real (okay I'm sweating). So I started washing my face and brushing my teeth without trying to scrub my flesh off and without breaking toothbrushes. I think that alone might change my life this year. I'm still running but I'm not running a marathon this year. I'm training for a half marathon and am pacing for the Gazelle Girl Race. Which pace? The NO PACE group. I committed to finishing with the last person who finishes the race and I can't wait. I also don't have to train my life away trying to prepare for spring races. I can learn to run again for the joy of running and not to crush a PR. I think this is one of the times I'm writing for me but sharing with you? I don't know, but at least you can now hold me accountable if I tell you I'm going to do something crazy and unnecessarily hard. Cheers to 2019. I can do hard things, softly.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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