A few weeks ago, I wrote about my 2019 word/resolution: soft. My biggest observation 27 days into 2019? Apologies and "do-overs" are important. There have been several conversations (you get my drift?) between Austin and I where I find myself in attack mode and have to step back, apologize, and ask for an opportunity to reset. This is a miserable process for someone as strong-willed as me, but definitely worth it. The end result is a lot of thankfulness and extended grace. I think I feel most proud when Austin tells me he sees a difference in me, it's my highest valued relationship but also the relationship I'm hardest on. Maybe a year ago during a "conversation" Austin told me it felt like I was always finding something for us to work on and that nothing was ever good enough. At the time, I was really defensive, and responded by basically saying "well one of us has to have goals for our relationship," and so on. Now I'm learning to rest in what we have, not nitpick as much, and realize 99% of the time we are arguing about something we actually agree if we step back and look at the big picture.
My other observation is simple yet transformative, my life is so much more enjoyable. A few examples: 1. I'm training for a half marathon in April. I do my long runs on the weekend and for the first time, I'm looking less at my watch and more at my surroundings. Last week, I enjoyed an early morning, fresh air, and a new route. Yesterday, my kids were at my feet and I was on and off the treadmill grabbing snacks, changing songs, fetching toys. Both runs I was well over a 10:30 pace and I didn't care. An added bonus? I had enough energy to enjoy my family the rest of the day vs. being exhausted from pushing myself as hard as possible. 2. I started a few simple sewing projects. Previously, I've only used my sewing machine once, the day I got it. I didn't do it again because my stitches weren't perfect and I couldn't finish projects in a day. My stitches still aren't perfect and my projects aren't completed, but when you do life "soft" it doesn't matter. You run for the enjoyment of running and you sew for the enjoyment of sewing. 3. I don't exhaust myself with overthinking or over planning. We celebrated Nick's birthday yesterday. We kept it small, no crazy decorations, and no full meal. I love hosting but am terrible at cooking. This helped me actually enjoy my son's party without worrying about pictures or perfection. I also love themes and anything you can dress up for (if you couldn't tell by Jade's first birthday). But Nick wanted a dirt bike cake, a PJ Masks piñata, and only wanted to wear "stretchy pants" to his party. So that's what we did, and it was great. Admittedly, this more laid back attitude did result in a frantic phone call to a friend who dropped off a bag of Gordon's meatballs to me a few hours before the party. 4. Medication helps me with my word. When you have 2 babies in 2 years it's hard to be properly/safely medicated. This is one of the hardest things to follow through with in order to help me life a soft life. I don't sleep great or am SO tired, the dry mouth is really terrible, and losing weight it more difficult (something I sadly place a very high value on). But when you are working on being gentler with yourself/others/life you realize the benefits of medication outweigh a few annoying side effects. 5. I said yes to Casey, the newest addition to our family. We've had a dog before, and it wasn't the greatest experience. I hadn't had kids yet and thought I knew selflessness but didn't. This time, I'm focusing more on the love my family has for animals (I'm way outnumbered on this) and how much joy a dog is bringing. It feels right. 6. Last, my approach with my kids is just different. They deserve gentleness and empathy. We recently started a parenting series with our small group. Last week's session was on how kids can be experience rich and relationally poor. For us, that has been really true, and to be honest, a lot of experiences haven't been as memorable as we would have liked because our kids rather be at home playing with their mom and dad than waiting in line to see Santa. I want to care more about my kids loving Jesus, being kind, patient, confident, and good friends to others more than I care about them hitting developmental milestones ahead of schedule, being involved in the best sports teams, achieving academic success, and being stand out. I need to model that because the reality is at 27, my past sports career/grades/college attended matters 0 and intentional relationships, people I can sit and be myself with are 100. I have a l o n g ways to go. It is a daily, hourly conscious effort to be soft. I'm hoping some day it will be more natural. But 27 days in and no tooth brushes have been broken! Praise!
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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