Today Pebbles and I are 20 weeks, halfway there. Honestly, if it weren't for technology (fetal dopplers and ultrasounds) I would still have a hard time believing I was pregnant. Besides tiredness and being incredibly emotional, both of which I believe are a little bit of pregnancy and a lot of "foster care symptoms", I have felt physically really, really good. I am thankful for the stretch marks that started to appear very early in pregnancy (thanks genetics) and that I have recently started to feel Pebble's movements-gentle reminders that there is in fact, a baby growing inside of me. Lately, I've been feeling so distracted and overwhelmed by our family's current situation. Mr. T has been struggling, badly. We have a meeting with our agency next week to talk about what we can do to preserve the placement and what will happen if things don't improve. Ultimately, we know that even if we are able to preserve the placement, we won't be considered first for adoption. It's likely T will be leaving our home someday and it's unbearable to think about. I also didn't realize the type of grief this would cause for my parents and the rest of our family members. They love him as much as we do but they also see how hard we are struggling. They worry about me, and I worry about them worrying about me. I was watching Still Alice yesterday. During a conversation between Alice and her husband, her husband said, "Alice, you want to do everything and you always want to do it right now." If Austin would have been sitting next to me during the movie, I'm sure I would have gotten "that's you Haley look or nudge." I want to do everything, and I want to do it now. I've always had a hard time waiting. For instance, Austin and I got engaged October 19 and got married on December 31st. We started the foster care process quickly, and then when that was put on hold, we started trying for baby. Now that we are pregnant and fostering, I want to continue doing both and I'm thinking about what else is on my dream list. I want to be a professor someday, or go back to school for psychiatry. I've spent time thinking about how to go about these dreams. I think sometimes others can be critical about my "want to do everything and want to do it now personality." I often hear, "Haley, you have the rest of your life ahead of you, slow down...wait...later." I think it's hard for my parents to watch their dreamer. They have been supportive of every single one of my dreams, but there are times I simply can't do it all and they are the ones who get the distraught "I'm a failure/embarrassed/depressed/worried/overwhelmed" phone calls. Here I am today, recognizing sometimes I do need to slow down. I need to be prayerful about what God has to say about moving forward with my desires. They need to align with his plan. We made some tough phone calls Thursday. We asked for help, we were vulnerable. I would never change this experience of receiving our first foster care placement at the same time we found out we are pregnant for the first time. There are lessons I wouldn't have learned and am still learning if it weren't for this exact circumstance. For instance, God is providing us with peace and joy on a daily basis. God is the only source of these constant feelings. Also, our marriage requires way more communication and forgiveness than ever before. I am thankful for a husband who loves and values my personality. I am also thankful for his personality and gentleness when God uses him to tell us to wait. I am grateful for 20 weeks of pregnancy and 20 weeks of foster care. We are so excited to meet Pebbles. Right now, we have everything that we need. There are things I want and dreams I have for my life that I can't possibly have right now and that I will need to be in prayer about. Today, we are praying for a healthy family environment for T, and a healthy baby that we will see on an ultrasound on Thursday.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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