The past 10 days have been terribly painful. Loss after loss after loss. Austin and I are preparing for another loss at 9am on Wednesday morning. A transporter will come and pick up our 5-year-old and all of his belongings. He will go to his aunt's house, which will likely become his forever family. I am having such a hard time not connecting this loss to all of the other losses we have recently experienced. I can't picture every day life without Mr. T. No "belly bumps," no midnight wake ups begging for a family snuggle, not hearing the word eyeball a minimum of 30 times per day, and so much more. On our first just us adventure we had the "adoption talk" and here we are 4 weeks later confused by court decisions and feeling like we failed. The past 5 months have been completely consumed with adjusting to life with Mr. T and now we are handing him back to a system that is very hard for me to trust.
I've noticed I usually write once a lesson has been learned, I have been provided with answers, or have a clear vision for the future. I can honestly say I don't have a single insight into what God is trying to show me right now. His timing seems awful and I am struggling to respond in a way that reflects God's goodness. I am sharp with my husband, quick to judge the comments others make about Thomas leaving, and overall, feel like the worst version of myself. I am anxious, fearful about my pregnancy and post-delivery reality, and am struggling to adjust to life as "normal." I stood in the bathroom this morning, listening to a song played at Courtney's funeral, and with tears rolling down my face, held my hands open whispering, "God take this from me." I trust He will and anxious to see how. We are praying for comfort and restored joy. Specifically, we are praying God allows us to move closer to home to be with the family and friends who started this journey of loss with us 13 years ago. We posted our house on a Facebook community page and have 4 showings this week. If we aren't able to sell our home, we hope for a new perspective on our community and our purpose here. God has humbled me. When all of our friends are grieving, and you're grieving, you take on every day with hands wide open. I feel like I have been emptied, and am praying for strength to rejoice in the Lord. A friend shared this verse with my yesterday and it has been on my mind since: Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights. -Habakkuk 3:17-19
1 Comment
Susie McIntosh
9/27/2015 06:59:34 pm
Hi Haley, so sorry. This is the verse that comes to my mind during a time of loss, which lately seems overwhelming. Ps121
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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