As many of you have realized, I haven’t changed my name since getting married to Mr. Austin Stone. I’ve received texts, Facebook messages, and verbal reminders to “change my last name” as if I had forgotten.
Friends, I didn’t forget. Changing my last name was something that Austin and I had talked about before getting married. Initially, I easily agreed to become a Stone, but as the wedding day inched forward, I kept pushing it backward. I came up with a few good reasons to stall the process including, “Well, I should just graduate first, it will take too much work to change my transcripts,” and then after graduating, “Let’s just wait until my license comes, I will just change everything at once.” A lot of people thought it was the feminist in me to keep my last name, which may be partly true, but it is so much more than that. I didn’t realize the loss that would come with a name change. And this is the funny thing about grief, it never goes away. Stegeman has been my last name for the past 23 years, and Stegeman was my last name when my brother Nick died. Stegeman was and is something that connects me to my brother. I clearly remember my first day of freshman year sitting in Spanish class with juniors and seniors. We went around the room and said our first and last names. Haley Stegeman. Someone pulled me aside after class and said, “Hey you’re Nick’s sister.” My eyes stung with tears. Someone remembered. All throughout high school my brother’s friends looked out for me because I was a Stegeman. Our church prayed for “The Stegemans.” Our schools packed lunches and brought meals for “The Stegemans.” Our community rallied around “The Stegemans.” I had a village because I was a Stegeman. Being a Stegeman was always something I was proud of and still am. Being a Stegeman is something I have always thanked God for. I have two parents that have preserved through the valleys, and one hilarious sister who finds joy and life despite significant and repeated loss. I couldn’t imagine not being a Stegeman. To me, changing my name felt like another loss. That in changing my last name, I would no longer be connected to my brother, and I no longer was going to be part of the family that walked through grief into hope. It’s been 10 months since Austin and I got married. I have learned so much, including the importance of unity. I want my family to have the same sense of unity and pride in being a Stone as I did in being a Stegeman. Operation navigate Secretary of State and change my last name will commence in the very near future. I cannot wait to see what Stone has in store for me and the village that will come alongside of us.
3 Comments
Patricia Bylsma
10/26/2014 10:46:37 am
Simply Beautiful!
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Katie Bremer
10/26/2014 10:49:25 am
Haley, you ate an amazing writer! Sometimes I can't believe you are the same little girl that I saw in children and worship. Thanks for sharing so many pieces of you and your story! I had a hard time changing my name too...I never expected to feel do uncomfortable with the thought I'd being anything other than a Tuit, but I survived. I also decided I will celebrate it as a bonus birthday, because technically with a new name I was kind of a new person. :)
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Katie bremer
10/26/2014 10:50:54 am
Are (not ate) oops!
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May 2019
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