Tomorrow marks 3 years since my first best friend, Courtney passed away.
3 years ago, we were living in Evart with a 5-year-old foster placement and I remember sitting in our neighbor’s garage when my mom called. The only thing I really clearly remember from the call is asking my mom, “Are you sure? Are you sure? There was nothing else they could do?” She was sure. Just the day before, our community had suffered another huge loss, the father of my twin best friends. I threw my stuff in a bag as fast as I could, our neighbors took our foster son for the night, and drove south towards Grand Rapids. I remember sobbing a majority of the way home. I’m not sure Austin and I even spoke to each other, but I remember thinking how vulnerable I felt. Austin didn't know me when my older brother passed away, and he rarely, if ever, saw grief fully unfold. We went straight from Evart to Michelle and Greg’s house (Courtney’s parents) to sit together, weep, and pray. I remember looking across the room, rubbing my 6-month pregnant belly, and seeing 6-month-old Analeigh, Courtney’s daughter being held. There was a moment I was genuinely worried if grief could harm, or even end my pregnancy. It physically hurt that bad. I was never the same after that night, because grief changes everything, every time. The way Courtney died is statistically so rare. But what I find more rare is that it happened to the very family that kept our family functioning after my brother died. Michelle was my second mom. She remembered every important date, wrote letters, pages long, to me, my mom, and my sister on a regular basis, created a grief "circle of friends" for me to meet with, and I even the occasionally cookie dough drop off in my locker. She listened to me and had the best hugs on a bad day. I've heard my mom say several times Michelle was basically her "lifeline" as she fulfilled a lot of the "mom role/responsibilities" my mom simply couldn't. So yes, it's as twisted as it sounds. The person who kept my mom and family afloat after we lost a son and brother, lost her daughter, who was a mother herself. I wish I had something better to say than What the actual F. That's not my style but that's what I think every time I let the reality of the situation sink in. 3 years later and it still doesn't feel real to me. Until it does, and then it's almost too much to handle. More often than I like to admit, I selfishly think about what it would be like if my kids grew up without me, or if I could make it if one of my kids died. Both scenarios obviously overwhelm me, but it's even more overwhelming to know people I love so much are living it. I'm living it. “Taste and see the Lord is good,” is what kept coming to mind when I was writing and processing what life has been like since Courtney died. If I’m honest, I absolutely hate that those are the words that surround my heart. Taste. And see. The Lord is good. It doesn't seem fitting, I want to reject that truth because if I accept it, it seems dishonoring to the horrific tragedy and trauma of Courtney and Nick's death. But I’d be lying if said I haven’t tasted or seen. Here is part of what I said at Courtney's funeral "I am confident of one thing: Courtney loved the Lord her God. I remember studying Bible verses with her for hours on end to compete in Teen Bible Challenge. Those words were forever ingrained on her heart and she could still quote large portions of scripture even as an adult. Courtney had no fear in boldly worshiping Jesus. It was evident that Christ ruled Courtney's heart and her faith never wavered and she continued to rely on God as she pursued all of life's adventures. Courtney is with her Heavenly Father today. Courtney, you will be fiercely missed. Thank you for living the gospel and pushing me heavenward during your time on earth. I believe the Michael W Smith phase came shortly after the Brittney Spears phase, and I will cling to God's promise of: Friends are friends forever If the Lord's the Lord of them And a friend will not say "Never" Cause the welcome will not end Though it's hard to let you go In the Father's hands we know That a lifetime's not too long To live as friends. I love you Courtney, and am grateful this is my last goodbye to you because our next hello is in eternity with you." I still taste and see God's goodness. I see it in Michelle and Greg, through their grief, are kick butt grandparents. Michelle remains a good listener with a gentle heart. I see it in Analeigh, who's a little lover and such a caring friend. I see it in my mom, who is walking this road, again, and is an example that you really can live through the loss of a child and experience moments of joy and hope. I see it in my dad and Greg, who have "manned-up" by letting their guard down and acknowledging grief through tears, lots of them. I see it in Courtney's brother and his wife, who have experienced more pain in their dating and first year of marriage than most people do in a lifetime, and still chose one another and seek adventure. I see it in me. Every Sunday when we sing in church, with Courtney's parents and grandma a few rows behind me, I'm hopeful for, and pointed towards Heaven. I'm aware of the gift every single day is with my kids and how important my time is with them. Courtney, tomorrow marks 3 years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like an eternity ago, and sometimes it feels like it never even happened. I would have never guessed such a similar tragedy would fall on your family, but they are "doing it." Not only because they have to but more so because they are strong, brave, and rooted people. Partly because of you. You have changed us all, not just because of your death, but because of the life you lived. You are loved, and so missed.
1 Comment
Nancy Garrett
9/17/2018 10:33:52 pm
Dear Haley, I am so sorry that you have experienced so much loss and grief in your life, and you are not even 30 yet. If grief carves a big pit in you, you have allowed that pit to be filled to overflowing with sensitivity, compassion and love. Just like in the lives of your Moms, Connie and Michelle, you are blessing other lives through your handling of these huge trials. I can easily see that and I am very far removed. I thank God for that and pray that He continues to enrich your life in boundless ways. Thank you for pouring your heart out in these beautiful blog entries. May God hold you close and comfort your whole family and the Stuyvesant family at this very difficult time.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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