Very soon here the Stones are transitioning from a family of 4 to a family of 5 (6 if you ask the kids because Casey is a member of the family too).
Sleep has been hard to come by and emotions are all over the place. I’m physically so ready. I’m excited to meet this baby and find out who they are. I’m scared for labor and anxious about bringing a newborn into the world during a pandemic. It’s a lot. I’m also feeling that twinge of grief that comes along whenever big life events happen. As I’ve said before, life events after loss are always a mix of joy and grief. Grief first. Growing up, my family was a family of 5. My parents had 3 kids, I had 2 siblings, and we set the table for five people. Then one day in 2002, there was one less plate because we became a family of (earthly) 4 overnight. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as my due date gets closer. What is it going to be like to be a family of 5? For my kids to have two siblings? To be outnumbered as a parent? What if we ever have to transition back to an earthly family of 4? Would I survive it? Also, I so badly want my kids to understand what a gift siblings are and when they don’t, I feel angry and defeated when really they are being very normal siblings who’ve been home with each other nonstop for 6 months. For example, last week Jade really wanted to have a sleepover in Nick’s room. I said yes, Nick was initially all about it, but when it came down to it, Nick changed his mind. He was being 4.5 years old about it and I was losing my patience. Because guess what kid? I had one unforgettable sleepover with my brother on his floor. We stayed up late watching WWE, my brother’s favorite. There was no second sleepover. What if this is the only chance you get to have a sleepover with your sister? *Please note, I’ve been in out of therapy most of my adult life. I don’t actually share these thoughts and feelings with my kids to guilt them into being nicer to each other. It’s just the reality of navigating trauma/triggers in parenting. So there is the dynamic of comparing my life growing up in a family of 5 and now as an adult becoming a family of 5. There is also the dynamic of just missing my brother and people I love as we grow. If my brother were still alive I’m sure he’d be a super fun, cool uncle with a pile of kids himself. He could teach my kids about U of M football and the Mets. I’d have a sibling to bounce parenting stuff off of, get me hand me downs from, and drop our kids off at grandpa and grandma’s and go out as adults with. Nick, I wish you could see me as a mom, your sister as an aunt, and your parents as grandparents. They are truly the best and so much fun and you are missed. Now the joy. The grief is big but so is the joy. God has sustained us through a really difficult season of miscarriage, anxiety about having an additional miscarriage, and then making it through the first trimester only to be welcomed by a global pandemic. He has kept our family safe, healthy, and mostly joy-filled. I’m so thankful. Seriously, praying every day to wake up fever free and deliver this baby as healthy as possible. I’m so ready to meet this rainbow baby. To watch my kids in wonder, to see Jade be a big sister, to learn how to “newborn” with Austin who does so much better with little sleep than I do. I’m so thankful for community, who despite circumstances have made me feel supported and reminded me I’m not alone. Co-workers turned friends who threw a little deck baby sprinkle. For new life, baby snuggles. Hope in trying times. So much joy and anticipation. Baby Stone, now that I’ve processed some of these feelings, feel free to make your exit. You are loved, prayed for, wanted, and chosen by God to make us “Stones Party of 5.”
2 Comments
Julie Fisher
9/1/2020 06:05:16 am
I have been thinking of you. My daughter is full term now and has been struggling through this pandemic with many of the same fears. God Bless you and yours. Best wishes for a safe delivery and healthy baby and family. 💛
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Cindi Thompson
9/1/2020 07:31:38 pm
Love you! So excited for your family to grow! Scary times, but God is bigger than our fear!
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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