I have been thinking about Mr. T a lot lately. Last summer was filled with all things 5-year-old boy. Birthday parties, bike riding without training wheels, water and dirt, trips to the scrap yard, lots of ice cream, non-stop "why mom," a lost tooth, laundry. This summer is filled with all things 5-month-old boy. Dirty diapers, experimenting with food, learning how to crawl, babbling, teething, laundry. It's hard not to think about what things would be like if Mr. T was still placed in our home. Almost every day last summer was filled with the worst tantrums (cough, bedtime, cough cough) and the biggest joys. It was confusing and wonderful all at the same time. It was for T too, I know it was. Yesterday Nick and I ventured to Pentwater with the Stuyvesants to visit my parents. We were sitting on the beach when I saw a little boy in a pirate towel. Time felt like it stood still for a second as I waited to find another breath and tears stung the corner of my eyes. A lifetime of loss and grief has forever shaped the way I encounter the world; yesterday was no exception. I lost Mr. T, but he's still alive. He's still out there somewhere in this big scary world and yet it's hard not to respond in a death-grief-loss way. Thomas had an awesome pirate towel that he always wrapped up in after a trip to the beach or his favorite waterslide at SpringHill. I miss seeing him snuggled up in it and I wonder every day what he's up to. I miss my role as a mom to a 5-year-old as I take joy in and fumble around in my role as a mom to a 5-month-old. Before we headed back home yesterday the gang went out for ice cream. Analeigh was owning the town walking everywhere when she decided to conquer some stairs of an old church. I was chatting with Nick and decided to stick my fingers in his month because he had cut his lip earlier in the day with one of his toys. I rarely stick my fingers in his mouth to check out the teething situation because, like I said I'm fumbling around in my role and it really grosses me out. Low and behold, THERE WAS A TOOTH! I started to tear up again as I showed my mom and Michelle. I chalked the tears up to being overly tired. Later that night, I check Timehop to find: Exactly one year apart, T lost his first tooth and Nick cut his first tooth. Thankful for the creative ways God reminds me he is for me, and he is for T. He will watch over and protect all his babies, including the ones I like to call mine.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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