Grief and loss have taught me a lot of different lessons over the years including:
1. The lessons don't have to make the loss okay 2. You don't need to compare pain 3. You can experience grief and gratitude. Or not. After my brother died, my family learned a lot of lessons we wouldn't have otherwise. We encountered people who helped us along our grief journey we wouldn't have otherwise. We've walked alongside people who have experienced loss we wouldn't have otherwise. We met people we wouldn't have otherwise. We value family over everything and maybe we wouldn't have otherwise. Yet, would we choose to have our son and brother here instead of some of those lessons in hopes of learning them a different way in the future? Absolutely. We were also told a lot of unhelpful things from people with really good intentions who only wanted our loss to make sense. "God needed him." "He was too good for this Earth." "God has a plan for everything." I don't believe God needed Nick in Heaven, I don't believe he was too good for this Earth (I mean he was my older brother for 11 years, I have some memories of him being less than perfect), and I do believe God has a plan for everything but that does not bring me purpose to his death. As I watch people navigate the COVID crisis, they (we, me too) are desperate to bring purpose to this-something so horrific we never imagined in our lifetime. More family time, kinder neighbors, communities rallying, new creatives ideas, and all of the good we see we wouldn't have otherwise, doesn't have to make the COVID crisis "okay". It doesn't make you a bad person or Christian if you haven't found purpose in this pandemic. Next, on pain comparison. I can't tell you how many times people have said, "But we can't even imagine what you've been through," or "But it wasn't as bad as losing a son/brother," when sharing their personal stories of death and grief. When it comes to pain there is no need for comparison. Your pain is your pain. This week I've had several conversations with family and friends who shared real worry, anxiety, and pain and often ended with a statement making sure I know they know other people have it worse. If you are home for the foreseeable future with your family and never have to go out and are having a terribly hard time with managing, your pain is valid. If you have a newborn baby no one in your family can meet and your grieving what you thought maternity leave would look like, your pain is valid. If you're in the healthcare field and are seeing firsthand the impact of this virus, your pain is valid. You can be in pain and you can have real anxiety even if you feel someone else has it worse. God cares about your pain as much as he cares about the next person's. You don't need to compare or justify, but you can share it with people you trust and who can validate your feelings. Tonight, I'm plain sad I can't see my dad on his birthday tomorrow. We aren't huggers but I would love to play cards with him and hear him tell jokes because he laughs at his own jokes in a way you can't help but laugh. Last, you can be in incredible pain and still be grateful. Or not. When your son/breath dies, you never get over it. I'm over a decade in and still carry the pain. It takes a different shape and feel, but it's still there. I'm grateful too. I experience joy on a regular basis and those moments give me hope for what's to come. It wasn't always that way though. If you don't feel grateful right now, and you're just flat out scared, that's okay. Maybe one day you will feel gratitude again and hope too. One thing I continue to tell myself as this is the most scared I've ever been for my personal health and health of our kids/growing baby, is if I face the worst earthly outcome, the thing that comes next is the best eternal promise.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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