Sometimes I start writing something and don't finish it or post it simply because I don't know how to tie it up. Today I was looking through my blog drafts when the title Packing and Unpacking showed up. It was written in January 2017, and I assumed it was about a literal move (because the Stones do a lot of moving). I thought it was fitting, because tonight we finished moving out of our Grandville house and into my parent's house until we get possession of our new house. I thought this draft would be easy to tie up and share with you, but was surprised when I read it.
January 2017: About a month ago I was sitting in therapy talking about how I just couldn't juggle everything anymore. Work, motherhood, wifehood, maintaining a household...I felt like I was on complete E. The plan moving forward was to start letting things go and to start sleeping as frequently as possible. Ask my husband, I slept, and slept, and slept. Laundry waited, dinners were simple, work phone was left at work, and eventually I actually got tired of sleeping all the time and was feeling somewhat refreshed. This week, I was sitting back in therapy telling my therapist how doing nothing for about two weeks straight left me with lots of time and space to start "dealing with everything" (I was referring to lots of unresolved grief). About ten minutes later she stopped me and said, "So you've been circling around and around how you've been dealing with grief, but you haven't actually talked about it. Do you want to?" Instant tears. Ugly crying, trying to stay composed because it's 1 and I have a court hearing at 3, but absolutely can't get it together, until I'm able to mutter, "I actually don't know what to say about any of this." I thought I had done a really good job of processing throughout the past 2 weeks and quickly realized whatever I was doing wasn't actually what I thought it was. Like I've said before, I can talk about the facts of how my brother died, how Mr. T left, how Courtney died etc. all day long, but to starting verbalizing all of the ways I miss these people and how hard it actually has made motherhood for me, hurts. Well, that was definitely not what I was expecting. I'm not sure where I was going with the Packing and Unpacking title January 2017 but I definitely remember this period in my life and mark it as the beginning of true healing, largely because of a truly remarkable therapist, and some hard work on my end. Still, I can't say I'm in an entirely different state almost 2 years later. After some reflection, I understand why I have 14 blogs sitting in my draft bin: Grief isn't tidy. It isn't easy to wrap up. Not sure there is ever a feel good ending even if there is good that comes out of the situation. It's messy, and really vulnerable to say to other people, "I miss so many people in so many ways I can't find words and it makes motherhood really hard for me," the end. I'm afraid people won't like that, but it's the truest thing I can say. I'm so thankful I've found people who know my truth and love and support me the same. As I moved boxes tonight and packed up another home full of good and hard memories, I'm thankful for my faith. The only hope and resolve I have in this life. In the next few weeks, we will continue to pack and unpack, literally, and I think I will be packing and unpacking grief for a lifetime. And that's okay.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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