We are nearing the end of this pregnancy and aren't nearly as prepared as we were for Nick in terms of the nursery. We threw up a shelf and rug last weekend, stocked the changing table with some diapers and are "ready enough" if baby decides to come early. There is one wall that is definitely my favorite. The doll picture was cross-stitched by my grandma and was in my room as a little girl. The figurine and little jewelry box were also parent/grandparent gifts. I have my first music box made by my Cookie Grandpa and my first "big girl jewelry box" on the dresser in her room too. Tonight I added this, because the nagging of grief never goes away. A little angel bear. It was given to me aafter my brother died. I kept every single stuffed animal, beanie baby, plaque, note, card...you name it. I remember arranging them in my stuffed animal net long after the typical "stuffed animal phase". I think I was oddly proud of all the gifts and liked to display them in the my room. Because sometimes when you wake up one day with a brother and the next day without, you cling to some material things. When we moved, they went into a box and stayed there until I started having kids.
You know what's really hard? Coming up with a name for your second baby, when your firstborn is named after your (what word to use here?) late? (dead sounds pretty blunt) brother and grandpa. I think I've made her room somewhat of a shrine because there are people I want my daughter to know and love but she will never meet them. Baby girl, we just don't know what to name you. Your room has lots of special stuff in it, because your mom is so sentimental and is having a hard time bringing you into the world without such special people. Joy and grief. I want you to know that although you won't be named after someone we miss, you will hear all about your uncle's and grandparent's legacy of big love and strong faith. I worry about a lot as a parent. One of the biggest things I think about is how will the way grief has shaped my life shape theirs? Is it healthy to have a Nicholas Henry for a name? What about all the little trinkets in their rooms, outfits that are worn for baptism, trips to the cemetery? Do people do this with more "normal" loss experiences? Is this going to turn into big fat therapy bills some day? Probably not, I hope not. There is a lot of u g l y because of grief. But, there is some beauty, and I hope those are the parts I can pass down as a parent. One of the biggest beauties is my kids get to experience my parents and their love, something I can't quite explain but watching my dad, kiss my Nick, takes me back every time. Or my mom playing upstairs letting my Nick, wear her Nick's Nike watch. A callous life would make a lot more sense to me. But it's just not what they choose. Baby girl, ready or not, you will be here soon. Big love is waiting because legacies of big love have been left. I hope you like your little angel bear and that someday it brings your tender heart comfort like it did for your mamma.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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