Week 3 day 4 of maternity leave was pretty slow, an updating photo albums and watching tv kind of day. We don't have cable, but we have one year of free HBO which typically results in watching whatever free movie is playing, because seriously who can stand daytime television? It's the worst.
The free movie last Thursday? My Sister's Keeper. It started at 11 and ended at 1. At 12:35 I started watching, convinced I could handle it until the next movie started. Worst decision I made all day as it resulted in sobbing into a spit rag. Spoiler alert: if you haven't seen it, it's about a family losing a daughter/sibling to cancer. And the rest of this post really has nothing to do with the movie except for the fact that sometimes all it takes is the remaining 25 minutes of a movie for grief to work some new things out. A lot of people I love are headed into their first year of "seconds" this month. I think most people think that this year of seconds will be easier for the people I love, but it doesn't get easier that quickly. For me, every year of loss is a different kind of hard. At first it's the nightmarish, this isn't real, wake me up when it's over, hazy type of hard. The physical ache and hurt hard. The I can't get up, I'm anxious all the time, living in a fog kind of hard. Thankfully, there is lots of support for the first year kind of hard. Prayers, cards, meals, texts, flowers, gifts, words spoken, and acknowledgement of loss. It's hard to remember what happens between the first year and the next kind of hard. Let's call it survival mode? Deep grieving, darkness, tears, and so much of every type of pain. I think it's hard to truly remember what this phase looked like for me because it hurts to even think about. I think everyone in my family would tell you we don't know how we made it through this hard. What came next was the kind of hard that I had to figure out on my own. Who am I? What's my role in the family? Am I still the middle child? How is my family going to make it through this? Who are my parents? Will they make it? Statistics for divorce for couples that have lost children are crazy high. What if I lose them too? How do I navigate faith when I'm angry? How can I control everything so nothing bad happens again? It's a kind of hard where the fog isn't as thick and the reality of permanent loss sets in. The times where you forget they are dead and go to tell them something only to quickly remember your loss are more few and far between. This kind of hard lasted for years for me. It's a lonely hard because the world keeps moving and forgets? (not sure it's actually forgotten but it seems like it). Acknowledgement of loss is rare and to hear Nick's name would be like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. Then it shifted to the kind of hard that comes with forgetting some of the simple, mundane things. Replaying a voice or a laugh in your head doesn't come as easily. And going on my first year of 15ths I can't say I consciously remember I had a brother every single day. Calling my son's name doesn't always phase me or remind me of my brother. It's an odd hard. A kick myself for forgetting kind of hard. Then there are moments where you are 26 years old watching My Sister's Keeper on a couch you own with a baby you made and you start sobbing feeling like you are 11 years old again. Too many kinds of hard. The last kind of hard has always caused overwhelming guilt for me. How could I possibly forget? Thank goodness for skilled therapist. I finally found someone I really value to let into this mess. Sitting across from her last week Friday (after I was done explaining how healthy I feel lately yet how I feel guilty) she says, "Haley you just can't have it both ways. You can't remember every single thing about everyone you've lost without the deep physical, emotional, anxious kind of pain. How did I never think of that before? Relief from that guilt and acceptance of this new kind of "hard" that is really much easier (most days) is called freedom. A few suggestions I have to love people well in any phase of hard, because those phases last so so long before any relief or freedom (and even when there is relief there are still days and moments that will bring you right back to the hardest of the hard): 1. Talk about their loved one. Say their name, share memories. I promise it won't make things worse. It might make the person cry, and that's ok. We miss hearing loved ones names and it's always such a gift to know they are remembered. 2. Start a tradition of remembering. My grandparents gave my parents an ornmanet in memory of Nick every single year. One of my mom's friends bought a single stem rose or other flowers for every anniversary of Nick's death. Sweet and thoughtful acts of remembering are cherished and are a gentle way of showing people you care about that you haven't forgotten. 3. Throw a card in the mail or send a text periodically. Receiving something hand written is rare in our cultural. It shows you took time to sit down and show you care. 4. Food. I don't think you can go wrong with this one. I hope everyone knows the joy of being brought a hot meal you didn't have to cook during a hard time or time or transition. Such a blessing. If all else fails, simply ask your loved ones how they want to be supported. They might not know, they might say they don't need anything, and that's ok too. But they will know they were thought of and remembered, which means so much in every phase of hard.
1 Comment
Jess LaMer
9/10/2017 07:43:59 pm
Haley. Thank you. I'm navigating deep, complicated grief now and it keeps changing, always seeming to get worse or harder or simply unfathomable. Of course our griefs are different and our stages will different, but they are similar enough that these words have brought relief. I'm not necessarily more hopeful or peaceful, but I'm relieved that change is change and it doesn't always mean worse our harder, just different. And your post was comforting in the sorting out of stages. Grief is messy and I can't see any order to break things Ingrid stages yet. Thank you for a glimpse of yours.
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