Last week I was texting with some mom friends. A mom-to-be was facing a tough decision and wanted some input as she weighed her options. I really had no experience in the area of question so I replied by saying:
One last thing just to say it and because I don't have any medical advice. This is one of a million decisions you're going to make (and I'm sure you've already made lots!) as a mom. Whatever you decide is what's best and right for you and your family. It's hard when there is no clear cut answers, especially on something like this. We text about mom stuff a lot and although we might do it differently, we are here to support each other in the big and small decisions. Your questions and concern already show how much you care about your baby and when decisions are made from that mindset, you're doing it right. I've received many similar texts over the past week after booking a trip to Florida with the two olders. We leave tomorrow afternoon and I still can't believe I'm leaving my 5 month old for 6 days. At (almost) 5 months, Brayden has started daycare full time, is more content, quick to smile and giggle, and gives some great snuggles. But those first three months of his life? Whoa. Hard. Colic+silent reflux+normal baby fussiness I either didn't experience with my first two or don't remember, had me questioning my abilities as a mom on a regular basis. Not only did I feel like I was failing Brayden, I felt like I was failing Nick and Jade too. They went from receiving all of my time and attention to very little of it. I'm so excited to spend some quality time with them. As I prepare to leave, I'm thankful to be surrounded by family and friends who support me as I face the big and small challenges of motherhood. Austin has assured me Brayden won't remember the next 6 days whereas Nick and Jade will. He rocks infancy and will hold down the fort. My mom told me she took a trip when she had young babies. All my mom friends have been supportive, reminding me there is no wrong decision. At this point, it's me. I'm withholding grace from myself and I've done this countless times throughout my life, even more so in motherhood. I've pumped ALLLLL the milk, set out the clothes, communicated with daycare (not because Austin can't do these things, I'm just a control freak), and spent the weekend snuggling. Brayden is going to be just fine. So tonight I'm reading my own text back to myself, "whatever decision I make is best and right for my family. My concern shows how much I care about Brayden. I'm doing it right," and allowing myself to receive the same grace and encouragement I would give a friend. Also, I need to take a moment, step outside myself, and look to the example of unconditional love Jesus has for me. I wish I would have written it down but earlier this week I read something along the lines of "the amount of unconditional love we allow ourselves to experience from Jesus is the amount we will be able to give to our children." When I allow myself to be consumed by fear, doubt, and guilt...when I wrap my entire identity in how I birth, how I feed, how I sleep train (and the million other choices we face as moms), I deprive myself of the unconditional love God has for me and who he made me to be. If I don't want my kids to miss out on the kind of love, I need to lean into it pretty hard and learn it myself.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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