I had a really terrible idea earlier today. I've had my Christmas shopping done and presents wrapped for weeks. But today, I decided to "swing by" Meijer Photo Center to "quick pick up" some photos I had printed for a project. Not a Christmas project mind you, just a simple home DIY project. This is the second time I had to get the photos printed, the first ones printed incorrectly. Long story short, these ones didn't print right either thanks to the person who ordered 30 calendars before me. I was told they could rush my order but I would have to upload them to the kiosk again. Fine, sounds great. Sit down, start scrolling through 2,000 photos and then... this. My heart was in the throat and the tears were ready to fall. How can it be we aren't celebrating Christmas with grandpa this year? Who will have the jackknife to help open presents? Who will need a tablespoon of butter for one roll? Who will pray and drift off towards the middle and the rest of us only know it's over when we hear for thine is the kingdom, power, and glory forever, amen?
My therapist tells me I'm trying so hard to keep my worst fears from coming true that their actually coming true. For example, I'm so terrified of continuing to gain weight that I'm eating to cope with fear and have packed on another ten pounds. Or that I'm so anxious about loosing my spouse that I'm such a jerk to Austin and push him away. Does this make sense? She compared it to the girl who has "daddy issues" and is scared of losing her first boyfriend but texts him so much to receive affirmation and validation that it drives the boyfriend nuts and he leaves. Another thing we've talked about is gaining real control. I'm a control freak, often times trying to control things I have I have no control over. I'm learning that real control is accepting "no matter the outcome, I can handle this." One of my biggest fears is forgetting the people I have lost. This doesn't fit with the analogies for me though. I don't think I'm intentionally doing anything out of fear that results in my forgetting. I know, I'll never forget them, but significant memories of my brother and I have already faded. Sometimes the only way I know I had a brother is because there are pictures. Also, grief is incredibly hard. Sometimes it physically hurts and it's difficult to find time and space to actually let yourself feel. It's so much easier to set it aside, or "stick to the facts." "My grandpa died of cancer in August, he's buried at the Grandville cemetery, my grandma still lives at their house." "My childhood best friend died of heart complications and had a 6 month old at the time." "My brother was hit by a car who ran a red light on his way to school. He donated all his useable organs." I can rattle off the stories with little to no emotion, because they are facts not feelings. But then, I find myself sitting at Meijer totally stunned. My grandpa is actually gone. I've stopped taking about him and telling stories of his love and legacy. My son's biggest fan won't be asking for help opening his presents. There will be no more "you're my boys." Its not facts anymore it's fear and feelings. Hardness alert. At this point, I'm at the store, and try to switch gears by controlling the fact these darn pictures need to get printed. But real control is accepting the situation and knowing I can get through it. So I look at the picture, really look. And I smile, and I hurt but it's ok. He was the best grandpa around and I miss him so much, especially with the joy and magic of the holidays. My grandpa is gone and he was super important in my life. I'm scared that one day I'll forget, so have I stopped allowing myself to remember and grieve and as a result I'm forgetting his legacy? I don't think so but I don't know. Lessons learned today: never ever go to Meijer Photo Center Christmas week if you don't have to. Trust me on this one. Grief is hard but remembering is important. Real control, wow I'll be practicing that forever. Going to therapy as a therapist is so bizarre yet so so worth it. Surround yourself with people who will help you be good story keepers of loved ones lost. Merry Christmas friends, to those who are grieving, to those who are joyful, and those trying to navigate being both.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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