Last week, Austin and I had a miscarriage shortly after finding out about baby Stone #3. If we are pregnant again someday, we will be expecting a rainbow baby. Stories of rainbow babies are beautiful-tiny perfect evidence of God’s promises and faithfulness.
I’ve heard lots of stories about rainbow babies but I haven’t heard too many stories of the rain, and now I can understand why. It has rained so hard my heart is flooded and I don’t know how to surround my feelings of pain, sadness, and fear with words. But I feel all of those things so deeply. This new “grief territory” is tricky and weird. It’s death before life. It’s grieving someone you never met and that few people knew about. It’s so lonely. It’s physical pain on top of incredible emotional pain and it’s just plain unfair. Baby Stone #3, you were loved every single second from the moment we found out about you. I’m thankful to have carried you a few short weeks and though you are no longer in my belly, you will be held in my heart forever. Because love for a life that grows inside of you doesn’t increase as a certain number of weeks go by. All the love I could ever imagine, it was right there from the very beginning. “No less God within the shadows. No less faithful when the night leads me astray. You're the heaven where my heart is. In the highlands and the heartache all the same.” Words I will continue to cling to. God is still right here, in all my heartache. For that, and all those who love us so well in both joy and sorrow, I’m thankful.
2 Comments
Deborah Rutkowski
11/10/2019 07:30:55 pm
My heart cries out you and with you bout. I can’t say I totally understand but I hurt with you. I have been praying for you. Allow yourself to cry, be angry, question why, but praise God that you are healthy, strong, beautiful, and full of Love.
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Cara
11/11/2019 07:39:32 am
As you know, I have been in your shoes, so anytime you want to talk or cry or just stare at the wall feeling empty (I did a lot of that), my office is a safe place to go. Time will ease the pain, but still now 23 years and two children later, the tears come easily as I remember the little boy that I didn't get to raise. And just like my not forgotten son, I see you baby Stone, you are known and loved. ❤
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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