I haven't written anything in months. Navigating life after a miscarriage has been really hard. I'm grateful to be pregnant again so soon after loss, but it has also complicated my grief. Every twinge of pain, speck of blood, and even lack of symptoms after lots of symptoms can send me into a tailspin. Since November, I've felt stripped of words, creativity, and motivation. I've felt a lot of fear and have become close friends with Netflix and early bedtimes.
Later in February, I took a trip to Florida and watched my little sister get engaged to the best guy, made it into my second trimester, and was starting to breathe a little easier. I felt hope. Then Coronavirus hit and I feel back in a place of anxiety and fear. Most of my fear is selfish, yet valid. I pray protection over the life I'm growing every single day. I'm scared of the unknown and what impacts Coronavirus could have on my health while pregnant but even more so, the impact on fetal development. It may sound silly, but what if come September hospitals are full and I find myself planning for an unmedicated home birth? Truly terrifying. I'm not sure I could do it. What if I don't make it full term and the baby can't receive necessary respiratory support.? I have feelings of fear and sadness for other things and people too. I have lots of friends working in healthcare. I have a grandmother in assisted living who is not allowed visitors. One of my best friends just had a baby and I want to be over there for baby snuggles. I worry about my work kids as their home environments aren't ideal and school was their place of safety, food, and nurturing. I could write about my fears and sadness until the sun came up tomorrow but I won't because at some point I have to figure out how to manage and plan for the next day. So I've made a commitment to myself during this pandemic: write weekly and process my fears/anxieties as well as my list of gratitude as well. Here are more of my thoughts on week #1: I'm scared and I'm thankful too. Yesterday my work allowed us to begin working remote whenever possible. Austin's work made the same decision, allowing us to be at home together. Today was our first work remote day, 15 minute breaks playing Uno with my son and playing house with my daughter are such a gift. No doubt these days will be hard, really hard (we are seriously considering turning our treefort into our office so we can make a phone call without someone yelling about needing to be wiped). I'm noticing how much "highlight" parenting I'm seeing on social media and although it's great to see new ideas to promote learning and pass time, sometimes it makes me feel less than. I'm thankful God continues to whisper, you're enough and doing enough during this time. Our kids are eating snacks constantly, they have more screen time than they should, and don't really seem interested in any of the projects I'm trying to plan for them. All of that is okay because we are going to take 24 hours at a time and figure it out as a family. I'm thankful for protection over our family and quick healing for Austin. On Tuesday he left work feeling sick with a fever and cough. He called the doctor who encouraged Covid screening. He went to the drive up clinic yesterday, and was not tested due to the limited amount of tests, lack of travel history/exposure to someone with the Coronavirus, and manageable symptoms. They thought he may have Influenza A. He woke up yesterday with no fever and we are praising God as we were prepping to distance ourselves for 2 weeks in separate homes. Tonight we are watching movies as a family and tucking our kids into bed all under the same roof. My family, friends, and church are supportive and although we are apart, I feel a true sense of community. We are Facetiming like it's our job. We received a book and ice cream "porch drop" tonight. Our church is hosting Zoom calls for prayer and support. We are figuring out how to host small group online. I get pictures of my friend's baby often. We are going to be okay, no matter the outcome, because we serve a God who claims victory in this life and over death. If there are any specific ways I can be praying for you, please feel free to message me.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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