Last week, Jade decided she wanted to learn how to swim without a puddle jumper. She practiced for two days and on Friday, she was jumping in the pool and swimming to the ladder by herself. She has been non-stop since and we are so proud of her determination. She doesn't even turn 3 for 2 months! We have vocalized how brave and fearless she is over and over.
As Jade was learning how to swim, Nick was watching from afar. Although he never said anything, you could tell he was self-conscious about Jade swimming independently when he was still swimming with a puddle jumper. I encouraged him to try, assured him I would be right there and would not let him sink, and said how brave he would be to try. He said no, that he wasn't ready and was still scared. Honestly, I was bummed and continued to try to use bravery and courage as a motivator. Until I knew better... Throughout all of this swimming business, I was reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle. She wrote an entire chapter on bravery and it stopped me in my tracks and has me evaluating my approach to parenting and well, life. Glennon writes: "I don't think brave means what we've been saying it means. We tell our children that brave means feeling afraid and it doing it anyway, but is this the definition we want them to carry as they grow older? When she is seventeen, headed out in a car driven by her teenage buddy, saying she's going to the movies but actually going to that kegger down the street, imagine calling to her, "Bye babe! Be brave tonight! What I mean by that is: If you're in a scary situation, and you feel afraid to do what your friends are encouraging you to do-I want you to ignore that fear and do it anyway! Just plow right through that gut instinct of yours!" No that is not the understanding of brave I want my children to have. I do not want my children to become people who abandon themselves to please the crowd. Brave do not mean feeling afraid and doing it anyway. Brave means living from the inside out. Brave means, in every uncertain moment, turning inward, feeling for the Knowing, and speaking it loud. Since the Knowing is specific, personal, and ever changing, so is brave. Whether you are brave or not cannot be judged by people on the outside. Sometimes being brave requires letting the crowd think you are a coward. Sometimes being brave means letting everyone down but yourself." Whoa right? Was Jade brave in learning how to swim? Absolutely. She will probably always be our "go for it" gal. Jade is our fierce, determined, strong-willed, hilarious child. She will see outcome vs. risk and be a loud leader. Is Nick equally as brave for voicing he's scared and not quite ready yet? Absolutely. He will probably always be our analyzer. Nick is our sensitive, empathetic, critical-thinking, and serious child. He will see risks, take his time, and be a quiet leader. Both are loved. Both are brave. If you follow me on social media, you know Nick is swimming independently now too. Weirdly, when the pressure was off and no one else was at the pool other than me, he went for it. I would still be writing this even if Nick wasn't swimming because this isn't our first time trying to get our kids to do things in the name of bravery. We've tried talking about no training wheels, getting them to wake surf, etc. Those things aren't happening, were never tried, and our kids are still brave. I hope in the upcoming weeks and years, I can rewrite the script on bravery for my kids. You don't want to try something that makes you scared or you're not ready for? That is so brave and I'm proud of you for listening to your instincts. Because one day it won't be about jumping into a pool without a puddle jumper, it will be going further than you're ready to in a relationship, drinking more than you know you want to, and I'm scared to think what else. This message on bravery doesn't stop with my kids. It's for me too. I can easily recall times where I plowed through my gut instincts in the name of bravery. It never felt good or right. It still doesn't but I'm learning to turn inward. In the past four months we've had to make some pretty brave decisions that probably don't look very brave or wise to others. For example, staying home, saying no to things, and believing COVID-19 is real and should be taken seriously looks cowardly to some. It's brave, personal and specific to us. We've let some people down in doing what's best for our family and that can be really hard, and still right. You have your brave too, and sometimes it means being the odd person out, being misunderstood, judged, and shamed. But living into your brave, is living with integrity and confidence. It's trusting yourself and experiencing peace. Be brave.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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