We are about 2.5 weeks away from welcoming Baby Stone. I feel like I'm about to burst and have never felt more out of shape in my entire life.
I stopped high intensity workouts the month we knew we could start trying again. I have always wanted a "fit pregnancy" but having a miscarriage created all sorts of lies and mind games including "if I workout and miscarry, it will be my fault." Logically I knew this wasn't true, but emotionally I couldn't see past it. So did what I could by walking or swimming but most of the time I counted keeping up with Nick and Jade during an unexpected summer at home as my workout. This change of physically activity and pace has highlighted a few things for me about my mindset and my body. First, I've realized I was okay with a bigger body pre-pregnancy as long as it was accomplishing. I was doing boot camp classes 3+ times a week and logging miles. I tested my physical limits all the time and even ran a marathon. I was quick to embrace my body because it was doing things most people weren't and because I felt strong. "Strong isn't a size" was my mantra and I was really proud of myself. Accomplishments, strength, and competition fuel my "deserving of value" tank. I can't do boot camp right now or in the near future. Most people could run (okay walk) circles around me. Thinking about getting back into running postpartum and having to hit pavement for one minute terrifies me. These realizations have forced me to shift into a new place of self-acceptance. My body is worthy of love regardless of what physical state it's in and what it can accomplish. Also, the scale is so dumb. I've known this forever and yet I still struggle. I lost a good chunk of weight in college and then started to put it back on a few years later. Weighing myself became a daily thing and a 2lb fluctuation could be a day ruiner. I knew it was bad when I decided to give up weighing myself for lent a few years ago. This pregnancy, I was pretty nervous about my weight as I started higher than any other pregnancy. Somehow, this is the least "scale focused" I've ever been in my adult life. Sure, I'm getting weighed weekly at the doctor at this point, so I know what I weigh, but prior to that I would rarely weigh myself between appointments. I eat when I'm hungry and move when I want to/am able to. I'm shocked how much less I think about food, weight, losing weight, being active. Also pretty great to not have your entire morning ruined by 3 numbers. It's been such a healthy shift and I hope it sticks. Last, I can be genuinely happy in a bigger body. Today, we hiked 2.5 miles and had Lake Michigan to ourselves. Without exaggeration, I'm more tired than I've ever been after completing a half marathon. My body has changed. It can't run half marathons right now and barely made it back to the car. Austin snapped a few pictures of me in the lake with the kids and I couldn't help but notice my reaction when I saw the picture. Happy. Fulfilled. Real. Carefree. Equally as happy, fulfilled, and real as peak physically fit photos. You can be big and happy, you can be small and happy. My body is about to undergo some big changes in the next few weeks. I'm nervous and excited for labor, it's wild. Eventually, I'll get the all clear to start work out again and I know I will because testing my physical limits improves my mental health so much. Inevitably my body will get smaller because it's birthing a human who's estimated to be 6lbs 7oz already. And it will not be any more or less worthy than it is right now as I type this. My body will change. Yours likely will too. Some years it will be fit, strong, firm, and society will cheer you on as if you've done the most important thing you could possibly do with your life. Why do we celebrate bodies becoming smaller so dang much? Other years, it will be bigger, slower, jigglier, and society will wonder what happened. They will talk about it, they may even suggest products to get your body back, slim down, shed lbs, you name it. All in the name of "lifestyle" and "health." You don't need any of those things. Love your body right now. Take care of it however that best looks for you. Don't forget minds are parts of bodies too. The work they do is some of the most important.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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