Timehop can be the best worst thing. Like opening the app this morning to find this picture from 2 years ago: We were about 3 months into placement with Mr.T and I was SO excited for his first day of kindergarten despite a horrendous fit about the black shoes you see in the picture. They aren't the ones he wanted, and he made it clear to everyone in the store to the point we had to "take a break" and go back to the store with reinforcement (mostly moral support for me) from Austin. We ended up buying the black ones, and two days later it was no big deal. I can still hearing him running from the front door to the back door (with Bear chasing him) breaking in his "super-duper-whoopie" fast shoes.
The first day went great and it was all downhill from there. My sweet, yet traumatized 5-year-old foster son was the first kindergarter I have ever known to be suspended 3 times in less than 4 weeks. It was so hard. Day in and day out fighting the morning routine, coaxing to get in the car, and then refusing to get out when we got to school, finally making it into the classroom, only to get a call a few hours later saying I had to come pick him up for behavior issues. I wanted the school to see his strengths and love him hard and fight for ways to keep him there, selfishly because I needed a break and was scared I was going to lose my job, but also because T was such a sweet and smart kid that needed new ways of doing things as he didn't fit the typical kindergarten mold. 2 years later and I have an empty porch on the first day of school. No back to school shoe shopping, no first day of second grade sign, no confetti underneath the pillow the night before school starts...and it feels really empty tonight. Here's why: An update and brutal honesty. Sometimes foster care can look and feel really good. Sometimes it's glamorized and viewed as heroic. And unfortunately this isn't that story. It's really an update no one wants to share but it's real. A month after transitioning to his aunt's house, they terminated placement and T was returned to the initial home he started foster care in. About a month before Jade was born I got a message from a foster mom who works with the same agency we did letting me know they decided to terminate placement too, again. The hurt and tears I felt after reading that message came quickly. My boy, now 7 has moved more times then he is years old. And you know what I did? I called the agency (before even telling Austin about the situation because I knew he would be thinking with much less emotion and more reality) and they didn't answer and I never called back. I called the first time because I desperately wanted an update on his life and also wanted him back with all my heart. And here's the dead honest part: we simply can't do it right now. We can't provide the type of home, love, care, or time Mr. T needs while providing love, care, time, and safety to Nick and Jade. I wish I could tell you we moved mountains to have him placed with us again, that we were adopting him, and that he finally has a forever home, but I can't. Maybe my porch didn't have to be empty this year. Maybe there could have been a second grader in my home. Maybe we should have tried. It seems so un-Christian to not even try. It's the weirdest thing continuing to grieve a person you know is living. I miss his smile, hearing about eyeballs all the time, watching him wrestle with Austin, bedtime snuggles, and so much more. Our current role in the foster care world is prayer and supporting friends who are on the front lines. Our marriage, family, and the literal size of our home can't say yes right now. It might be 3 more years it might be 10 or 20 but tonight I'm praying for, and missing a 7 year old who called me mom first and who has experienced more trauma and more moves then any child deserves. Mr.T, I wish we could have said yes and done it well, but we couldn't and this is the messy, "ugly" of foster care. I pray for the perfect family for you, and that you start second grade with confidence and joy that only Jesus can give. You buddy, are not a burden. You are so loved. I hope you always know.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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