"The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still."
"Only." It sounds so simple. Kind of like, you only need to eat healthy and exercise and then you will lose weight. You only need to be still. Stillness isn't really my thing. Trying orchestrate every detail of my life according to the plan I have in mind sounds so much more appealing because then there will be to-do lists, checkboxes, instant gratification, a sense of control and accomplishment... Lately God is clearly not allowing me to orchestrate and it's driving me insane. Not to mention putting an incredible amount of stress on my marriage, parenting, work, and sense of self. There was a night last week where I said to Austin, "Nothing is going right right now." Daycare situations have been awful and unsettling, leading us to rely on family and friends for the next 8 weeks to watch Nick during the day. I've had quite a few blips throughout this pregnancy, second trimester bleeding and failing a glucose test last week. I'm feeling frustrated and distracted at work. I don't want to stay home full time but I don't want to keep the current pace either. Marriage has been hard and messy with lots of I'm sorrys, let's try again. I'm grateful for family and friends who are sacrificing so much to help us while we figure out what's next for Nick in terms of daycare. I'm grateful for this sweet girl who I get to meet soon and the blessings of modern medicine. I'm grateful for a job with great benefits, flexibility, and lay. I'm thankful for Austin, who truly is the most loyal person I know. He's in this for the long haul. Why isn't my gratitude enough? The ideal would be sincere gratitude with a tight grip on the control reigns. But it doesn't work that way. This is the worst it's even not worked for me. I'm not letting God fight for me. I'm not exactly sure how to let him or how to stop myself from wanting control. My therapist's mantra is, "Real control is being able to handle the outcome of things you can't really control." I hate it but I'm growing. I can't create an opening at the daycare we are waiting to start. I couldn't stop second trimester bleeding from happening. I can't wave a magic wand and erase the trauma most of my kids have experienced leasing to delinquency, and I can't program my husband to do everything I want him to do when I want him to do it. A few things I can do, because I don't think stillness means passive, do-nothingness. Pray Be intentional in reading God's promises and trust them Acknowledge my blessings, and use them better Get off my phone, spend time with people who know and love me, and love them better Extend grace quicker Be still Only be still. Hard, yet so assuring this isn't on me.
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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