My sister isn't getting married until December but last weekend, I decided to sit down and start writing out my MOH speech. I was expecting it to be emotional, and it was. I also knew I would be less than 3 months postpartum at the time of her wedding and needed to get my words on paper before emotions were even more heightened and full on baby brain took over.
I'll wait to share the best and funniest parts until the day of, but today I want to share my favorite part. Mostly, because I need space to be way more emotional and detailed than one can be at a wedding (we've all sat through those speeches...). As I've wrote before, every moment that is supposed to be entirely joyful becomes a mix of joy and grief after loss. A wedding is no exception. For our wedding, we decided to light a candle in memory of my brother and that turned out to be more difficult than I expected. I couldn't stop crying, and they weren't happy wedding tears. They were "my brother should be here on my wedding day tears." Trying to figure out how to honor loss without making the whole day about death is tricky. I anticipate my sister's wedding will be the same mix of such great joy and yet, moments of intense grief too as this will highlight yet another milestone we navigate without our son and brother. The grief is unique for me. I'm gaining a brother and my kids, an uncle. When Austin and I got married this happened in a different way, or at least it feels like it because this brother/uncle enters in on our family traditions. Nick's death has created a seriously strong loyalty between the Stegeman originals. We can call out things in and to each other, but if someone else does...yikes. The term ride or die? It's literal, we've done both. Even if I'm sad or angry with a family member, I would defend them to the end if someone else *cough husband* tries to validate my feelings. As you can imagine that makes for some fun and confusing marriage experiences. I wish I could explain it better but I feel if you know, you know (and I'm sorry that you know) but if you don't, you don't and it's impossible to explain or understand. I thought it would take me a lot longer to accept whoever my sister married. Newcomer? No thanks. Then along came Austen and he made it way, way too easy (with the exception of having the same name as my husband). I wanted to be resistant but it's impossible when your sister chooses the biggest nicest teddy bear there is. Austen has brought out the best in my sister and has made her softer, stronger, and better. I also never have to hear my sister use the line, "I'm never going to find someone," ever again for which I'm grateful. Austen plays on the floor with my kids and is just as into spoiling them as my sister is. He feeds into Jade's unicorn obsession and Nick's Lego. It gets me how much Nick and Jade love him. When my sister calls, Jade's first words are, "Where's Austen?". They hit the jackpot. He rocks at surprises and is a great gift giver. Seriously who flies down to Florida for a surprise engagement? He's willing to take and dish out the jokes. He had the courage to come bring a meal and stay for dinner when we were miscarrying. He is faith-filled. As my dad would say, "he's the real deal." And he is, and he officially gets to be my brother in December. Losing a brother is horrific. The worst. I still feel robbed of many childhood and adult experiences. I'm still miss my brother. I'm sad and experience grief and heartache. There is also room for hope and new joys like gaining a brother. It is such a gift and I'm thankful. Thank God for love stories that provide redemption for the whole family. We've had a few of those stories, and they are the best ones.
1 Comment
J. H
4/24/2020 04:04:14 am
We are very excited for all of you. What an exciting time; gaining a man who loves the Lord into the family....a rich blessing from God! Best wishes to all❤️
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Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
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