My brother would have been 29 on December 16th. It’s hard to imagine what life would look like if we were celebrating with him come Saturday because when I think about my brother, parts of time are frozen. He’s 13 and I’m 11. Yet, I bump into his friends occasionally and time has moved on. They are 29, in careers, some married with kids, and I can’t understand how that happened. At the same time, it’s easy to grieve “should haves” like a possible sister-in-law, maybe a few more cousins for my kids, or another sibling to be the fun uncle who wrestles around on the living room during half time of Sunday afternoon football. Latey, I’m really wrapped up with the details of the actual “event” and how horrifying May 14&15 2002 were. I think I’m so used to the overview of what happened (mostly to protect ourselves and not scare people away) that when I break it down to the accident, telling people, hospital stay, life support, end of life support, funeral preparations...I can’t believe we lived through it.
You typically only hear how I navigate grief. Today you get to hear different experiences of grief from the rest of my family and even my husband. I’m so thankful they were willing to put some thoughts together to share with you as their experiences are such representations of strength, faith, and courage. I asked them to share about what grief looks like to them right now, what they’ve learned, how they’ve changed, and what they would say to someone else who’s grieving. Although we’ve had more open conversations about my brother and grief recently, it was still helpful for me to hear their responses versus relying on all the assumptions I’ve made about their loss. First up, Austin: The In-Law “I’ve never experienced an unexpected loss. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around. My grandparents experienced so much life and it was relieving to see them free of pain and suffering. Then hearing about someone who had so much more life to live, it wasn’t as comforting to know they were in a better place. I never realized before how long grief can effect a family; it’s lifelong. It’s been a constant process for me to learn how to support Haley and her family, especially because I never met Nick. Sometimes it makes me feel like an outsider, and likes it’s a barrier in our relationship. When “stuff like that” comes up, I don’t know how to relate, and it’s a deep connection that Haley and her family has. For someone marrying into grief, take notes if you have to, write down important dates and details because forgetting specific “extra hard days” starts the morning off bad. Remembering before Haley has to say “it’s my brother’s birthday today” shows I support her and care for my family.” Olivia: The Little Sister When my sister asked to write a little about what grief looks like right now I had to look at the different losses in my life. I would say I’m at a different grieving stage for each of them. For my brother I grieve the figure of having a big brother. I don’t remember anything about my brother or who he was because I was so young when he died and trauma played a big factor on my memory. I know who he was by pictures, videos, and testimonies from others. But I really don’t miss who my brother was because I lost all my memories due to trauma and being so young. I grieve him in the absence of a figure. I grieve my best friend Riley and who she was as a person. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t wish she was here. We shared such a bond, we lost brothers together…. How many people can say that they have a friend who knows EXACTLY what they are feeling? This type of grief is still so very evident in my life. When I miss my brother it makes me miss Riley because I would always talk to her when feelings came up of my brother. I feel like I’m constantly missing one of them throughout the day. I really struggle with this loss still and this type of grief. It defiantly comes in waves. I’ll be totally fine and then I’ll here a song on the radio we use to jam out too and loose it completely. Even though it’s been 4 years without Riley this grief is still “fresh”. I grieve my grandpa in a bittersweet kind of way. I know he is pain free and I rejoice for that. But I miss him with my whole heart. He taught me so much wisdom and showed the love of Christ throughout his every action. Grief is bittersweet in this circumstance. I’ve learned SO much in all these situations. I learned a lot of different things but there are also a lot of common. The first common thing is LIFE IS SO VALUEABLE. Seriously people, we get one life…ONE! Love your loved ones, love strangers, love people who are different than you. LOVE HARD. It took me a while to figure this out but I try and live everyday as a gift that I can’t ever get back, because really we can’t. Show kindness to everyone around you, you don’t ever know what people are going through. The second is hang on to hope. There were so many times when I was in a dark place, like pitch black. But I made it out people. Life can be breathtakingly hard. I remember when I got the call Riley died; I fell to the ground and wept. BUT my community, my village gave me hope. I always remember that my life has value and that God is with me no matter what is happening in my life. Loosing people we love is hard and it sucks. But God always has a plan and he will never ever leave us. Always remember this! Connie: The Mom For year I’ve grieved the “known”. The everyday joys and challenges, the everyday routine things, the huge hole in our family puzzle, the way it changed everything about our lives. It was gut wrenching and all consuming. Then I grieved what I thought would be the “known” . As I watched his friends reach milestones, entering High School, driving, first cars, dating, and graduation. The shock and grief, it would catch me off guard and hurl me back to the bottom of the black pit. Not because they were aging, growing up, but because Nick never would. And then I realized, I was grieving the “unknown”. The “unknown” brought yet a different wave of grief. A pain of its own. Hundreds of questions that would never be answered. What would he look like? What would his first car have been? Would he have continued to play sports? When would he have realized WWF wasn’t real? Would he have gone to college? Career choices? Who would have been his first date? Would he be married, have children? Where would he live? What would my life, our life as a family look like today if only... Steve: The Dad Always having to light candles for people who Are missing , watching your wife suffer for years kids that don’t have their brother all sucks . Never having a son to watch the lions games sucks . No son to hunt with sucks . Watching your best friends daughter pass sucks . No son to keep the Stegeman name Alive sucks . Visiting a cemetery on special occasions sucks I guess bottom line grief sucks but life goes on and someday will all rejoice in heaven with no more grief and death.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Author
Hi! I'm Haley. Archives
May 2019
Categories |